Love/Hate

Sleep.

I leave the office and make my way to Kieran.

He parked the car close to the door to the building.

He closed his eyes and doesn't see me approaching.

I open the door and flinches in his seat.

I smile down to him.

"Sleepy?"

"A bit. Ready to go back?"

"Before going back, can we talk?"

He considers it for a few minutes. 

And nodds.

"Jump in."

I do and he starts driving off to somewhere.

20 minutes later we are at a park.

Similar to one I saw after I left the wäre house.

We sit on a bench.

"Kieran what happened after I left?"

Kieran sighs.

As I think he isn't going to answer me, he starts talking.

"Dunne took Luca, Sean and me. He let Brady and his undermen beat us. This went for around six months. Until one day he changed his mind. He interrogated us. Punched us. And then set me and Sean free. Luca took all the blame that night. But I couldn't leave. Couldn't leave Luca there alone. So I went back. Didn't take me long to come back though. Dunne never knew I was James O'Connor's son and I never wanted to tell him. But I told him. And that I knew the truth of my dad's death. Guess Dunne got scared and left Luca out too."

"What happened to Sean and Luca? Where are they now?"

I ask.

"Sean went back to Ireland. And Luca home to Ohio. Visiting his sister or so."

"I'm thinking of going back to Ireland, too."

I admit.

"What?"

"You know I was born in Dublin. But I'm from Galway, actually."

"Explains the accent."

He smiles.

"Kieran that wasn't the reason why I wanted to talk."

"Then talk."

I inhale. 

"Listen, today I told Lisa something really private. Something I never shared with anybody. Not you, not your mom. Nobody. Kieran, do you remember that time where you told me the truth? And said I had something to tell you too?"

"Yeah, I remember."

"As long as I remember I wanted to kill you. But at the same time I wanted to you stay with me."

At the killing part Kieran inched away from me.

I laugh at his behavior.

"What do you mean?"

"Love and Hate?"

"You love me?"

I don't know how to answer.

"I guess I do."

"And hate you too."

I add.

"You love and hate me?"

"Yeah."

He doesn't say anything.

He takes my hand and we go to the car. 

"Cass, I... I don't know. I'm confused."

"Kieran I don't need an answer. Lisa said I should base my decisions on your reaction."

"What do you mean with decisions?"

"Staying or going back."

"Stay. I want you to stay."

I don't say anything.

We drive home.

I go to my room and sleep.

Sleep to forget.

Sleep to feel alright.