Empyrean Iris Story Collection

Your Lungs Might Explode

Humans don't like staying where they are supposed to, this is just a fact of life.

Humans are land fairing creatures, they breathe oxygen, and, while they can swim, they cannot breathe underwater and they can't fly. For any other species this would be enough to stay right where they belong.

Humans have this annoying habit of completely ignoring what they should do, and doing the exact opposite thing. For instance, humans cannot survive in a vacuum.... Did that stop them?

.... Yes.....

PSYCH! JUST KIDDING IT TOTALLY DIDN'T BECAUSE HUMANS ARE INSANE!

Being friends with a human is a great way to give yourself anxiety because they insist on jumping out of the sky, strapping rockets to themselves, suspending themselves inside pressurized cages of doom, petting dangerous creatures, driving too fast, breathing underwater, not breathing, eating dangerous things, and that isn't even a hundredth of the list that I have compiled.

Side note, did you know that the taste humans describe as "spicy" Isn't an actual taste. It is literally the pain receptors in their mouth and nose responding with a pain signal to something POISONOUS.

HUMANS LIKE THE TASTE OF PAIN!

I am so exhausted, I have grown attached to these humans, and it only makes it so much worse when they insist on defying nature and doing things they were never meant to do. I am a nervous wreck, and I just want to sit down and do something that isn't potentially life threatening for once. I just want the humans to do something that isn't life threatening, but apparently they can't even sleep without doing that.

They can't even EAT without threatening themselves eating poisonous things, fattening things, things that weren't even meant to be food, oh yeah and their ability to speak means it's like ten times easier for them to just go ahead and choke to death. Just choke.... To death. Who the HELL dies from EATING!

Sweet rings of Nebulon!!!! Humans do stupid stuff all the time, but they only die because of stupid shit like choking to death, or shoving things in unmentionable places, or drinking too much "energy drink", or... or.... Gahhhhhh!

....

....

I need a vacation.

***

"But captain, the entire planet is water, there's nothing we can do."

Captain Vir tapped his fingers against the control panel as the ship slowly lowered itself into the rocking ocean. Sirens roared around them heralding the water landing demanding subsequent action. The ship's crew scurried around the floor readying the ship to take the strain of the water.

"Krill, you forget that earth is like two thirds water, we know how to deal with it." The prosthetic leg tapped absently against the floor in time with his hand.

Krill gave an enormous sigh," I know that captain, but I also know that humans live primarily on land, and that unless you have gills hidden up your ass, you can't breathe underwater."

Captain Vir gave him a look one eyebrow raised over a glittering green eye, "Was that sarcasm?"

Krill looked down, "Sorry."

Captain Vir grinned, "Not sure whether I should be proud or worried."

He turned back to the loading ramp as Krill shuffled his four feet, "I may be a little..... Stressed..... Lately."

The human laughed, "Surprise it took you this long."

"Landing successful, Captain, a crewmember called from a catwalk above. Water sloshed and thudded against the outside of the hull giving testament to the truth of the statement.