Empyrean Iris Story Collection

Some Countries as Seen by Aliens

Countries Described by aliens using world borders in 2020 but the history of 4020

America- United States = Contains a little bit of everything that will kill you. Go north its bears, go south its snakes. However, the most dangerous thing is the humans themselves. You will probably die at your desk worked into the ground while simultaneously bragging about how you never take vacation days. Corporate America will work you into the ground and you will like it! Also FREEDOM YEAH!

Canada = Things would be great here if it wasn't so fucking cold. Also I got chased by a moose

Russia = Um it's like Canada, but worse. It's cold as shit in the winter, and humid enough in the summer that the mosquitoes might as well be harvesting my blood for their vampire god. Also, I think I saw a shirtless man riding on the back of a bear, and I'm not entirely sure how that happened.

Britain = They drink boiled leaf water? And who is this old rich woman they all seem to love who, if she lives any longer, they won't have to mummify her when she finally kicks it.

China = There are.... A lot of people here.... A lot. Where are they keeping them all? Pretty sure there are more people living in this city than there are people currently living on Mars. Don't make them angry though, i heard from a friend that they are capable of ninjaing you into the floor.

Thailand = The people here are very nice, but I also just got run over by two motorcyclists and a bicycle pulling a cart. I think my entire body is fractured, please send help.

Japan = What are these creatures with very large eyes and very high voices. I am seeing them everywhere, painted on buildings, in magazines, and on pillows. Have never actually met this subspecies of human, but I am pretty sure the eyeball to brain ratio would make them barely functional as humans. Can someone explain this to me? Also, please help I am trapped on a train so packed my posterior is touching the ceiling. I think I missed my stop.

Afghanistan = it is so fucking hot here that the people have resorted to hiding under multiple layers of clothing. In certain cases I can only see their eyes. I suppose their attempt to deceive the sun is working, because they are surviving and I am melting into a puddle. Please send someone with a bucket and a shovel. Also a group of humans just passed standing on top of a car like they were surfing.... I think the heat is getting to them.

Brazil = It is very pretty here, they have very nice beaches and it is very warm. I hear from other humans that the people are very beautiful as well. The only problem is.... There are giant razor teeth fish living in the water. Um.... I can't feel my legs.... I can't see my legs..... Oh no.

France = Yeah, uh the people in the city didn't like how my translation equipment was speaking french apparently and now they won't talk to me..... But I have this very long stick of bread, so that's nice.

Australia = Everything here can kill you and I died immediately.... I should have listened to the warnings about the roos