Kitten 18+

thirty two

I woke up alone, Lucy left without speaking a word after I put my foot in my mouth last night. I went to the kitchen and Lucy was drinking coffee, I poured myself a cup and leaned my back against the counter. "I don't do relationships. Period. I can't."

"I know... I'm not asking you to... but why?"

"I just can't ok? I'm willing to forget last night if you are."

"No... I don't want you to forget it. I'm not asking you to love me, but I want you to know that I love you..."

"I won't be home till late." She pulled on her jacket and left. I let out a breath and was going to make breakfast but decided to eat at whatever spot I stumbled across. I found a little mom-and-pop Cafe so I went in and had toast, beans and hash browns. I hated in America no one knew how to make good beans unless they came from a can... my mind drifted back to last night... did I really say I love you too Lucy? What an idiot... I don't know what I expected to happen but I thought deep down maybe there was something there. Otherwise, why would she be trying to make me hate her? I wanted to bang my head against the table. I walked home and it took an extra hour to get there because I took random roads trying to clear my head, once back to Lucy's I washed my laundry and expected her to send me home after last night. I went into her study and grabbed a book to read to pass the day and by nine o'clock I was in bed.

I jumped as the bedroom door opened, I looked into the darkness to hear a hick-up. I flicked on the bedside light and Lucy was standing there, her shirt was unbuttoned low showing off her cleavage and almost her bra. I sat up and squinted. "Is that blood on your shirt..." she flicked her hair over her shoulder and I stood up. "That... that's a fucking hickey on your neck. Are you kidding me?" I said loudly. "I..." there were tears in my eyes. "And your high." She nodded slowly. I pushed past her slamming the door and getting into a spare room locking the door, I cried into the pillow and screamed. I thought that maybe... she was just angry at herself and that's why she didn't want to be with me but... I am literally just a fucking toy to her. I pushed myself up going to the Landry room, I packed my bag quietly and called a taxi.

"Checking in?" A woman smiled and I nodded, I knew my face was puffy but I didn't care. By 5 Am I was in the hotel bed, again crying and just wishing I'd die. I hate myself for being so stupid, if I hadn't opened my big mouth and say I loved her things would be fine... I'd be her toy and still think I have a sliver of a chance.

●●●

I woke with the sun in my eyes, I squinted and sighed. I glanced around and my mind started to recover memories from last night. I got up and decided to go get an extra suitcase and try to find a ticket home, I got dressed as I looked at my phone. 3 missed calls, one from a private number two from Lucy. I locked it and tossed it onto the bed as I turned to the door leaving. I felt like crying as I walked down the street, Lucy only called twice... this is done... the contact is void by her sleeping with someone else. I walked down to the underground and sat on a bench as I waited, I bounced my leg as my mind raced. You know what to do. You know how to do it. I shook my head trying to clear the thoughts. Nothings stopping you. I put my head in my hands and a tear slipped out.

"Just like we always talked about." I hear behind me.