See Me

1

Have you ever met a beautiful girl that's actually happy? Not just a pretty girl, but one of those girls that makes you turn your head just to peek another glance. Maybe you think you have, they're good at lying.

I've never met one that wasn't fucked in the head.

Myself included.

All I can think about is the pack of cigarettes in my purse. I can feel the urge to light one creeping around in my stomach, the need for that sweet but brief head rush that follows the harsh inhale of all those disgusting chemicals into your lungs.

I remember when they brought that ridiculous substance program into middle school. They told us that cigarettes contain rat poison. I remember the disgust that rippled through my body when the instructor mentioned it. I couldn't imagine why someone would want to put that into their lungs. If only my sweet, naive twelve year old self could see me now. It's the same reason why more often than not, I'm completely wasted on the weekends. It's the same reason why I'm more than happy to take drugs from the hands of anyone offering it to me. To feel something. Anything, at this point.

I glance at the time on my phone and mentally calculate how many minutes are left before the bell rings, signalling the end of lunch. Seven minutes. It's risky, but I could make it. The problem is that whenever I leave the school to smoke, I don't want to come back. I don't want to go to English and listen to the woes of Romeo and Juliet. They were idiots.

"Seren? Did you hear me?" I heard Olivia's sickeningly sweet voice ask me, snapping me back to reality. I looked around the table that I was sitting at. The same table I sat at everyday, with the same people I sat with everyday.

It was all the same. It was always the same. Olivia was always attached to her boyfriend, Noah, in some way or another. Trinity was never far from Olivia, always ready to whisper gossip into her ear. Benji, Jax and Tyler always sat on one side so they could see the girls as they walked through the cafeteria. Cain and Zane sat at the other end, doing... whatever it is that they do.

And then me... stuck in the middle of it all.

"Hm?" I hummed out, shaking my head and trying to refocus my eyes. I need to stop doing that, completely zoning out to the point my eyes were unfocused. Not here anyways. Not at school, where people watch my every fucking move like I'm a zoo animal.

"I asked if you heard back from Carter. Girl, sometimes I don't even know where your head is at." Olivia laughed as she flicked her ice blonde hair over her shoulder. She rolled her eyes, but with a smile on her face. Like that makes her not quite as bitchy as I'm sure she's secretly intending to be.

I held her gaze, blinking a couple of times. I have no idea what the fuck she's talking about.

"Seren, you are so clueless sometimes. It's a good thing you're pretty, I swear, or you would be sitting over there," Olivia jerked her thumb backwards, over her shoulder, to a table of kids behind us, "with the losers."

"Here, give me your phone." Olivia continued as released her grip from Noah's neck. She grabbed my phone from the table. "You didn't even text him?"

"Why don't you text him?" I asked her. I didn't even know what we were texting him about. Carter was one of the boys on the football team, he was nice enough. I guess. Handsy though, so I liked to keep my distance.

"Yeah, Olivia. Why don't you text him?" Jax added from beside me, sending me a sympathetic smile.

"Because he'll only do it for Seren. You know that." Olivia muttered as her fingers effortlessly moved across my screen. "There. He should text back in 3, 2..."

Now it was my turn to roll my eyes.

"He said yes. Thank god!" She squealed as she tossed my phone back to me. I quickly glanced over the texts. Apparently we wanted to use his lake house for the weekend. Who knew?

Though, from the sounds of excitement coming from the rest of the group, it seemed like I was the only one who didn't know.

"So, Jax and I will get the booze. Olivia and Trinity, bring the food. Tyler, the weed. Cain, music." Benji instructed us all, before he leaned into me. His hand snaked across my shoulder, and he whispered so only I could hear it. "You just bring your bikini, Seren."

Maybe I had a wet suit lying around somewhere.

"Zane, you can take your dad's suburban, right?" Benji continued, not even pausing to register my scowl at his request for me. I flicked my eyes up to Zane, and was slightly surprised to see he was already staring at me, his eyes narrowed.

"Yeah, we're good." Zane replied, his eyes staying on me for a moment before turning to Benji.

"Do you guys remember what happened last time we were there? Seren got so drunk, she stripped in the hot tub." Trinity giggled out, gently nudging me in the ribs. I vaguely noticed Tyler and Benji giving each other knowing glances, chuckling and fist bumping each other.

"I'm going for a smoke." I muttered to no one in particular, slowly standing from the uncomfortable plastic chair and grabbing my purse from beside me. I couldn't tell if I was more eager to have a cigarette, or to get away from being talked about like I wasn't sitting right in front of them.

I leaned against the cool brick wall in the corner I always smoked at. I hurriedly ripped a cigarette out of the package and brought it to my lips, lighting it with my small pink lighter. I couldn't help the small sigh that left my mouth at my first inhale. I hadn't had one since this morning. I instantly felt some of the muscles in my neck relax, and I rested my head back against the wall and closed my eyes.

I used to smoke at the 'smoker's corner' as the people at our school called it. It's always packed with kids, some smoking and some just hanging out. It was never quiet there, always some asshole ready to direct his stupid words at me. Usually it was some variation of 'what's a pretty girl like you smoking for?'

Ew.

So now, I sneak away to the back of the school. We're technically not allowed to smoke here, but I really don't care.

My mind wandered to Zane's stare earlier. He was fairly new to our friend group, as he had only moved to our town last year. I don't even know how he became friends with us. Well, not that we're really friends. I've barely spoken ten words to him. I can't even remember the day that I met him. One day he wasn't there, and the next he was sitting with us at lunch, like he had been there all along. He's a bit of an asshole, honestly, but I can't say that his presence annoyed me completely.

I had even held distant intrigue towards him, at one point. The way he had treated me was just so different than the way the others treated me. I had expected him to hit on me, as the majority of the guys in school did. I know that sounds vain. It's not that I hold myself in high regard. It's just the truth.

He didn't, though. Actually, it was the opposite. He didn't try to talk to me, he didn't try to 'inconspicuously' place his hands on me like it was an 'accident.' Sometimes I catch him glaring at me, like I ran over his dog or something.

It was nice, refreshing even. He didn't give a shit about me. Not that most people did, but for some reason they acted like they do. They pretend that they like me, like I'm their friend.

I'm not sure if I have any real friends.