See Me

31

I woke up remembering Jax's hands on my body. Again.

It was somehow as disgusting to me as the first time. I couldn't believe that I had allowed him to touch me again. The thought of it made my skin crawl.

You know what they say. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...

I slowly raised my head from my pillows, grabbing my head between my hands. I looked down at my body, surprised I was still wearing the same outfit as last night. The night was a blur, thanks to the vodka. I remembered bits and pieces, until Jax walked through that door. After that, it was crystal clear, until I left. Like my mind had succumbed to the fog once it knew I was safe.

I remembered Zane driving me home. He didn't talk. Was he mad? Was he angry at me? He probably was. Somehow Zane always ended up being the one to rescue me lately. I couldn't blame him for being annoyed.

I let out a small groan as I stretched out my neck, running my hands through my hair, trying to undo the knots that had formed. It wasn't until I glanced around my room, that I noticed Zane.

He was slumped over in the arm chair on the opposite side of my room, asleep.

The first thought that went through my head was how could I be so stupid? How could I let him in the house when I was going to sleep? How easy would it have been for him to get to me?

The second thought that went through my head was that he didn't.

He didn't get to me. He slept in the uncomfortable arm chair all night. He didn't try to get me. He didn't.

My third thought was a terrifying consciousness of my second thought. Had my life really gotten to the point where I'm numbingly aware that my friend hadn't tried to attack me while I was sleeping?

My brain was spinning fast again. I quietly got out of bed and headed for the shower. It felt like I was holding the same breath in my lungs until I felt the hot water cascade over my body. I stood there longer than I intended to. I was trying to wash Jax's touch off my skin, his words out of my head and his presence from my soul. Eventually, I realized I wasn't succeeding.

I crept out of the bathroom wrapped in a towel, tip toeing across the room. I felt bad that Zane had slept on the chair all night. I had no idea why he would do that, when he could have slept in his bed. Once in my closet, with the door safely shut behind me, I pulled on the first clothes I came into contact with. Which happened to be a pair of shorts and an oversized tee. I pulled the door open, about to leave, when the sight of myself in the mirror pulled my attention instead.

I had barely looked in the mirror this last week. Just a quick glance to make sure I was presentable. I drank in my appearance. I had lost weight. My cheeks were hollow, the arcs of my cheekbones even more prominent. The bags beneath my eyes hadn't left, which was unsurprising.

I looked different, but still the same. The only people who would have been able to tell the difference were those paying attention. I don't think anyone was.

My eyes travelled down towards my hips, and I lifted the tee up, so I could see the skin. The skin that Jax had touched. Not once, but twice now. I almost expected there to be evidence. Like a burn. There was nothing.

It looked the same. It felt different.

"What are you doing?" I heard Zane's voice. I flicked my eyes back up from my hips, finding him in the mirror behind me. He was leaned against the doorframe, observing me. I instantly knew I was talking to serious Zane. This was catch Seren in a lie Zane.

"Getting dressed." I answered him. Only a half life, but how would I tell him that I was making sure that Jax had only left mental scars, and not physical ones?