See Me

47

AN: this is a double update so make sure you've read chapter 46 first!

It didn't take me long to walk to Austin's house. I barely glanced around my surroundings as I focused on the way my feet were hitting the pavement. It was quiet. Only the comfortingly predictable sound of the voice of Siri guiding my way to the pin that Austin sent me of his location. Austin lived in my neighbourhood, as it turns out. Who knew? I had called him as soon as I hung up on Zane. Austin couldn't pick me up because he's been drinking. Which only gave me more motivation to be wherever he is.

I paused as I reached my destination, according to my phone. I don't know why I was surprised at the lavishness of Austin's house. Everyone who went to our stupid fucking school was rich. Maybe that's why they all were horrible people.

I didn't think of much as I pushed through the gates of his property. I noticed the goosebumps on my skin as my arms came into view. Was it cold? I hadn't noticed. I pondered on whether I was making a good decision right now. Now, for a typical teenage girl, walking into a guy's house alone to buy drugs was not a good decision.

I wasn't a typical teenage girl, however. I think I'm finally starting to realize that. I wasn't typical and I'd never be typical. Whether Jax had fucked up my life or not, I think I was always destined for the same thing. To be fucked up and alone. Oh, and tragically sad.

Maybe that could be my personality, the one that Austin told me I should get. Beautiful, sad, and completely, throughly mentally fucked up.

I guess it was better than nothing.

It was better than the illusion I had been wasting my time in for the past week or so. The illusion in which I held a speck of hope. That hope wasn't real. That hope was Zane. I had been confusing the two. When Zane was here I was better, but only because he made me better. Zane's light had lit my own. Like the flame of a cigarette lighting the end of another one. The problem, was my own flame wasn't self sustainable. If you don't inhale the cigarette from the other end, the flame simply dies.

Zane's flame wasn't my own. No matter how much I wish it could be. It wasn't, and it would never be.

My flame was always destined to burn out. It was always just a matter of when.

And maybe who. Who's dampened breath would be the one to blow out my flame?

We all know the answer to that.

But maybe, I have to consider if his breath was simply the final gust of wind to take my flame away. Maybe my life was simply a collection of attempts, breaths coming from the many mouths that surrounded me. My flame had held on, slowed many times, but it still had glowing embers.

It didn't, anymore.

"Are you going to come in, or just stand there like a fucking weirdo?" Austin's voice made me see through my own eyes again, instead of only through the eye in my mind. I was standing on his porch, my hand raised in a fist like I had intended to knock on the door. Austin was standing in front of me, the handle of the now open door in his hand.

"Oh." I said simply, lowering my fist and stepping into his house. "Sorry."

"You know, sometimes I worry about you." Austin closed the door behind me. He titled his head at me, looking me up and down.