See Me

37

I didn't get to experience that slightly confusing but surprising moment this morning. You know, the one where it takes me a couple of minutes before realizing Zane is asleep in the armchair in the corner of my room.

I didn't get that moment, because Zane had pulled said armchair up to my bed, and was leaning over me, his head resting on his crossed arms. Like you would do when visiting your loved one who is in a coma at the hospital.

I just blinked in his direction a couple of times. I had no clue if he was sleeping. I had no clue why he stayed. I had no clue what's going on.

I combed through my brain, looking for the memories of last night. It was hard to find them, like pushing through thick fog that only slips between your fingers.

I remembered Jax's words, with a jolt of despair to the stomach. I remembered Zane believing them. I remembered walking home. I remembered taking my pills. I remembered feeling so calm. I remembered Zane coming. I remember him talking to me. Why would he come here, if he believed Jax's words?

I was about to give up in my investigation of why is Zane in my room again, when the small and distant memory of letting out the three little words I had never intended to say crept back to me.

I sat up straight like the bed had burned my back.

Which was a mistake, because it alerted Zane to my now consciousness in a very obvious way.

"Seren?" Zane croaked out as he raised his head from his arms.

I wasn't sure what to say. I desperately wanted him to have not heard me, or not remember if he had. I would do anything to have that happen, and there's no way to confirm it besides the things that Zane would not say. The only way I would know is in the things he wouldn't say.

Zane had been watching me watch him. The way he was watching reminded me of the time that he had caught me on the dock. Zane looked at me like I was a bear he had stumbled upon, and he was trying to decide whether I was going to eat him or run away. Zane stood from the chair, his hands raised in front of him as he took a step closer to me.

I knew it was over from the way he said my name.

"Seren." Zane said in an exaggerated calm. I could see from the look in his eyes that he was not calm at all.

"No." I breathed out. It was a calm no. A gentle no. A last defence no. A denial no. It was too late. It was out there. It was gone, and I'd never get my secret back.

"Seren." Zane said again, as he reached me. He placed his arms on each side of me, hovering them in the air. They weren't touching me, but it's almost as if I could still feel them.

Fight. Deny.

Flight. Lie.

Freeze. Confirm.

"Seren. We have to talk about what you said last night. I know it's hard." Zane said carefully, "but there are somethings we need to figure out."

"What?" I said blankly.

Zane looked at me like the doctors that tell their patients they have stage 4 cancer in the movies. They're about to die and everyone knows it.

"You told me something last night. Do you remember? Something about Jax." Zane moved one of his hands against my arm, lightly rubbing up and and down.

"No, I didn't." Fight. Deny.

"Seren, it's okay." Zane had so much emotion in his eyes and I hated it. He pitied me. Finally.