See Me

6

Everyone knows the stereotypes of sexual assault.

Everyone's seen a movie, or a show, or read a book and watched how the poor girl reacts.

Fear, usually. Anger. Hysteria.

And that's valid. I get it.

I expected it, even.

However, by the time I finally heard signs of life coming from the large house filled with my friends, for lack of a better word, my mind had successfully managed to trap me in a forced calm.

Not the good kind of calm, however. This was a freezing cold calm. It was a calm like I had never felt before. Numbing all of those feelings of disgust and disbelief and burying them far back in a small corner of my mind. An apathetic calm. Impassive and unresponsive. As if I could manage to pretend everything was fine, and nothing bad had happened, it could erase last night.

I could hear the boys speaking now, talking among themselves. It sounded like they were in the kitchen. I knew if Noah was up, Olivia was not far behind him. Knowing Olivia, there was a possibility she would show up in my room unannounced any minute. I glanced at myself in the mirror. I should have groaned at my messy appearance, but the icy cold calm flowing through my body didn't allow it. It didn't want me showing emotion to anything, at all.

Normally, if a someone walked into their friend's room and saw them looking like how I look right now, hair matted in knots against my head, black bags of exhaustion under my eyes, and a look of distance plain as day on my face, they would immediately ask what's wrong. Not Olivia, however. I have no doubt she would just make a snide comment about drinking too much and how I was supposed to be the pretty one.

Not wanting to give her the satisfaction of seeing me like this, I quickly hopped into the adjoining bathroom and to have a shower. I felt my expression harden as I undid the strings of the bikini I was wearing, flinging it to the floor quickly as if the material would burn me if I touched it for a second longer. I didn't turn to look at my naked body in the mirror as I usually would. I couldn't bare to see it. I jumped into the shower instead. I almost expected the hot water to help melt the feeling of ice that was running through my veins.

It didn't. So I turned the temperature up, annoyance flashing through me when nothing changed as the water grew hotter. Finally, when it was so hot I feared it might leave burns, I retired my attempt and let the water wash over my head instead.

Unwillingly, my mind flickered to Jax. I didn't want to see him, yet I knew it was inevitable. I wondered how he expected me to react. I decided to pretend he didn't exist. Ignore him. Somehow, I thought that would make him the most angry. If I played this right, no one would notice anything different about me, besides him.

No one would find out what happened. That was a promise I made to myself right now. The thought of anyone knowing left me feeling so disgusted. So embarrassed. I wondered if that was a normal feeling.

After quickly washing my hair and body, I stepped out of the shower. I towel dried my hair, letting it hang loose around my body. I looked at the hollow face staring back at me through the mirror. Instead of trying to fix my black eye bags with concealer, I opted for a pair of big sunglasses instead. I briefly browsed through the clothes I brought with me, pausing on the white sundress I had intended on wearing today. Usually, this dress brought a smile to my face, but today it had brought a frown. The dress was white lace, and it felt so pure. So virginal. I didn't really feel pure right now. I felt the opposite. Contaminated.

My fingers grazed a black bikini, and for some reason, it just made sense. If they felt so entitled to my body, well that's exactly what they would see. Does it matter anymore, that they look without asking? How could it matter now when one of them touched without asking last night?

Without checking my reflection in the mirror, I strode out of the room, following the voices I was sure were in the kitchen. The waft of bacon cooking met my nostrils as I turned the corner. I barely registered the expressions on the guy's faces as I strode by them. I didn't need to see them. I already knew what I looked like. This suit consisted of tiny triangles, covering just what was needed. I looked good. I knew that. I also didn't care.

I heard a slight cough as I reached into the stainless steel refrigerator, searching for a bottle of water.

"Seren, babe. You look good. Really good." Benji said in his typically flirting voice. I didn't bother to respond. Once I located the water I was looking for, I shut the fridge door and turned towards the group, leaning my back against it.

They were all staring at me. Even Olivia and Trinity, however they wore a different expression than the guys. They looked simply annoyed at my presence. My eyes fluttered over the rest of the group, quickly, so I didn't hold eye contact with any of them. When my eyes blinked passed Jax, I felt a sharp jolt of fear shoot through my stomach. Almost instantly, it disappeared, as if my mind had reminded my body to not have a reaction, not to give our secret away.

I noticed Carter approaching me from the side. He looked good, with navy blue shorts and a tight white shirt over his football physique.  The way he was smiling made me feel like I was missing something. It took me a moment to remember that we had kissed last night. Something so insignificant, considering... what happened after. I didn't bother to smile back. I had a feeling that even if I wanted to, my face wouldn't allow it anyways.

"Where did you head off to last night?" Carter asked as he approached me. He was standing close, too close. It made me anxious. I subtly took a step back, before clearing my throat.

"Yeah, I passed out. Sorry." I took a drink from the water bottle. I was sorry, after all. Maybe if I never went to bed, last night wouldn't have happened.

"It's okay. I get it." Carter offered me a shy smile, which I didn't return. "I was hoping we could talk later."

I briefly noticed that I wasn't looking at Carter in the eyes. I had focused on an orange teapot just to the left of him.

"Sure." I wondered if anyone else could hear how monotone my voice came out.

"Okay. Great. There's some things I want to say." His shyness seemed to melt away at my agreement, his shy smile turning into a full blown one. "Are you coming on the boat?"

I paused for a second, considering my options. There was only one place I wanted to be today, away from Jax. "Who's going?"

"Uh, everyone. I think." Carter seemed puzzled at my reaction as he scratched the back of his head.

"I'll pass." I quickly responded.

Carter's eyebrows furrowed. "You sure? We're going tubing. It's going to be fun. We can do something else, I guess..."

"It's fine." I cut him off. "I need to tan." I didn't, but he didn't need to know that.

"You want me to stay with you?" Carter offered, before Olivia quickly interrupted.

"You're the only one who knows how to drive the boat, Carter. You have to come. Seren is a big girl, she'll be fine alone, for once." She said sweetly.

I barely felt any annoyance at her obvious dig. "She's right. Have fun." I said to the group as I made my way passed them, but not before grabbing the bottle of vodka that was sitting on the table. I didn't turn my head, focusing on the glass sliding door in front of me. I didn't meet anyone's gaze, but I sure as hell could feel Jax's eyes shooting daggers into my back.