See Me

5

I didn't sleep a wink.
I don't even think I moved.
I don't remember moving anywhere, anyways.

I remember staring at the ceiling. My brain felt crowded and empty all at once. There was a part of me that couldn't believe what just happened. There was a part of me that was telling myself that what happened wasn't so bad. It was telling me that I was overreacting. It was telling me that this was just a misunderstanding. The other part of my brain was telling me that this was serious, a trauma forming. Have you ever been living through a moment and just known that this event would affect you for the rest of your life? That you would always remember it, and that there was no escaping it?

At some point I forced myself to climb out of the bed to lock the door. I had to retie my bathing suit bottom. I didn't want to dwell on that action, knowing it was further evidence of the nightmare that just occurred. I pressed my ear against the door, straining to listen for any sounds indicating that the rest of my friends were awake. When I heard nothing, I sighed a breath of relief. I wasn't sure how much time had passed since Jax left the room, but it must not have been long enough for everyone to sleep the alcohol off yet. Instead of returning to the bed, I leaned my back against the door, allowing my knees to buckle so that I slid down to the floor.

Maybe if I had girlfriends, I would know what my next step was. I could climb into bed with one of them and tell them now, while it was fresh on my mind. They would have advice for me. They could tell me what to do. They would stroke my hair and tell me everything was going to be okay.

Olivia and I used to be friends. Not friends like we are now, where we simply occupy the same space most of the time. Real friends. The kind of friends who had sleepovers on Wednesday nights because we couldn't get enough of each other.

Everything changed the summer of seventh grade. That summer, I spent the duration of my vacation in Spain with my dad. He insisted it would be bonding time, strengthening our father daughter relationship that I'm sure he felt slipping away. That summer I came into my looks. I had never been an ugly person. Even as an awkward preteen I was quite cute, but that summer, my face hollowed out, displaying new found angles. My thin body grew curves, breasts and hips being the obvious ones. I didn't even notice until we got back to the States and started school again that fall.

People started to treat me differently. Boys hung off my every word. Girls became simultaneously friendly and catty at the same time. The biggest change however, was how Olivia began to treat me. She became jealous of the attention I was getting. She grew closer to Trinity and began taking any opportunity she could to slide in a snide comment, intent on bringing me down. Always with a smile on her face, however. Then she began to date Noah, and our friend groups merged. Olivia, Trinity and I never ate lunch just the three of us again. Soon enough, Noah, Cain, Jax, Benji, and Tyler went wherever we went. Even though we looked to be a tight knit group from the outside, and I know for a fact that most of them are as close as can be, I didn't particularly feel any true friendship with any of them.

Trinity and Olivia were a package deal now, growing closer than it felt like Olivia and I ever were. While Olivia was loud and bubbly, the social butterfly you could say, Trinity was more quiet, subdued. She didn't make scenes, but I knew she enjoyed witnessing one first hand. In a stark contrast to Olivia's long ice blond hair and short, petite frame, Trinity had chin length copper red hair and was almost as tall as most of the boys. They were both beautiful, in their own unique way, but they were insecure. Always making sure to look their best, to have the best makeup and clothes. They brought other girls down in an attempt to build themselves up.

Noah was a sweet kid. I remember when he finally had the courage to ask Olivia to be his girlfriend, he had been crushing on her since we all met in middle school. Benji and Tyler were typical flirts, which wasn't surprising, since they were both gifted with the kind of looks that teenage girls always fall for. Tall, muscular, well dressed, typical jocks. The only big difference was their hair, Benji had stark black hair while Tyler's was dirty blond. I was never close with them. I don't think either of them have stopped their flirty remarks to me to even find out my favourite colour.

Cain was unlike Benji and Tyler in that sense. Sure, he had flirted with me at first. However, he stopped pretty quickly when he seemed to understand I wasn't interested. Cain was the shortest of the boys. He didn't have the muscles that his friends had, as he didn't play sports like them. That didn't seem to mess up his game with girls though. He had his own unique style to attract any girl he wanted. Once Zane joined the group, he and Cain quickly became the closest. They are more serious than the other guys, more quiet. Never taking the attention of the room unless it was given to them.

Zane was much more of a mystery to me, which wasn't surprising considering I had known the others for years. Even though he'd been hanging out with us for a while now, I knew nothing about him. Not that I made any effort to, but he didn't make any effort to know me either. So I didn't feel bad. We were barely acquaintances.

Which left Jax. My heart dropped into my stomach just from the thought of him. I think the worst part was that he was the one I trusted most. The one I considered to even be a friend. He had always been nice to me, always considerate. Sure, he's let it known that he was into me before, but he's never pressed the issue. It felt like I had never even met the person who Jax was last night. It confused me.

I sighed slightly as I watched the sun through the large window. It was almost at the top of the sky now, and I knew the others would be waking up soon. Even with hangovers, I knew they would rather take advantage of the day on the lake than sleeping all day. I swept my long hair around my neck, groaning slightly as I felt the knots that had formed.

I hadn't even cried yet.

I wasn't sure if that was healthy. It probably wasn't.

In fact, the more I sat here in the peaceful silence, the more my mind tried to lull me into compliance.

I've never put much thought into it when people said the human mind is powerful. I always thought it was yet another thing the teachers told us to convince us that we were all in fact smart, but just lazy. I thought they were talking about all the good the human mind could accomplish. I didn't even consider the evil inside our own brains.

The mind can trick us, deceive us. The mind can become sick, diseased. With no evidence other than our thoughts, which left no proof to any onlookers. Unless you're prepared, your mind can lie to you as smooth as any sociopath alive. And you'll believe it.

Which is what was happening to me right now.

My mind was telling me things that somewhere deep inside me, I knew were wrong. They were convincing though. They made sense.

My mind was telling me that no one saw me beyond my looks. My brain didn't have to try very hard to convince me of that. I easily believed it. Did I really have any worth beyond my appearance ? Beyond my body and beyond my face? No one had bothered to know me past my exterior for so long. I had forgotten what it felt like for someone to want to know who I am.

I don't even think I knew who I was.

Beyond a pretty face, and a nice body.

Maybe that's all I was.