See Me

21:Z

There were two logical reasons why I had asked Seren to come with me here.

The first was obvious. The way she sighed when I asked her if she was going to the cafeteria said more than most words she's ever spoken to me. The second was that she has high again, probably on those pills she had taken last night. I had seen them poking out of her backpack in her locker, and I was worried she would have taken more if she had the opportunity to.

I'm almost positive that Seren doesn't realize how painfully obvious it is to me when she's taken them. The difference is immeasurable. When she's on them, she's almost like the Seren I met a year and a half ago. She's no longer oblivious to the world around her, only seeing what's right in front of her, and sometimes not even that. It's like her muscles become relaxed again, like she's not on alert. If only she would tell me what she seems to be on alert of.

There's a such a clear shift between sober Seren and high Seren, that I can almost instantly tell when the effects have worn out. That happened about fifteen minutes ago, and since then she's said nothing. Answering my questions with only sounds or single words, simply gazing over towards the tall skyscrapers that are barely showing in the sky.

But now, as I'm watching the way the rays of sun are wrapping around her face as she stares into the distance, I'm having trouble remembering anything. Like, really, anything. If you asked me my name at this moment I might not be able to tell you.

The chances of us getting back to school in time to attend any of our other classes was slim to none. I hadn't skipped school since I transferred, and I knew my parents wouldn't be impressed. But the way that Seren seemed content here was reason enough to face their disappointment. I knew from the times she had checked her phone, she knew what time it was. I'd also noticed that in time entire time we've been here, Seren hasn't smoked a single cigarette.

"Do you think I'm pretty?" Seren's voice startled me, and I realized that she had been watching me watch her. If any other girl had asked me that, I would assume she's fishing for compliments. But Seren doesn't need to fish for compliments, especially about being something as simple as pretty. Telling Seren she is pretty would be like telling the sky it's blue, or telling a rock it's hard. I knew Seren was pretty, Seren knew that she was pretty, and every single person who's eyes were ever blessed by the sight of her face knew that she was pretty.

Which is why that question made me uneasy.

"Of course you're pretty." I told her, watching as her face remained blank. She didn't blush, she didn't smile. Nothing.

"I didn't ask if I'm pretty." She continued, and I felt my eyebrows raise because that's exactly what she asked. "I asked if you think I'm pretty."

"I think you're pretty Seren." I told her softly. Although I couldn't see the difference in the two questions, or why it would matter to her, I could see it was an important distinction to her.

Seren nodded her head, looking back out towards the water for a moment before she flicked back her eyes towards me. I was surprised to see they actually held some emotion this time. It looked like a mix of nerves and hope.

"What do you find pretty about me?" She asked this time, and the way her eyes were boring into mine made my heart start beating a little faster.

I could tell her the easy things, the obvious things. Her perfect skin, her lips, her long hair. But I knew that's not what she was asking.

The longer I went without answering, the more that hope in her eyes began to fade. I could see the way her mouth started to tense again. Not into a frown, but back into that lifeless form it quite often took these days. She started to move her head back towards the water, when I came up with my answer.

"The way you listen to people when they're speaking to you, even if you're not interested. You don't just pretend to hear them, you actually do." I started, and she looked back at me in surprise.

"The way you never look at other girls as competition. You never put them down just to make yourself feel better." I paused in case she wanted to say something, but she didn't. "The way you used to smile when someone else smiled." Her eyebrows scrunched up at the words used to, but I continued anyways. "The way you dance when you're drunk, like you don't care who sees you or what they think."

I smiled at her, not that I was expecting one back. But I promised to myself right here and now, one day I would get one.

"I think all of those things make you prettier than you already are on the outside." I continued, picking up a rock from the ground and tossing it into the water below us.

She just nodded her head. "Do you think I'm a tease?"

My head snapped back to her direction. "What?"

"A tease." She clarified. "Do you think I lead people on?"

"I've never seen you lead someone on." I mean sure, I've seen Seren pay attention to a guy at a party that she normally wouldn't, but I don't think that qualifies. That's what alcohol does to a lot of us.

Seren looked confused at my words, instead of relived. "Not even with Carter?"

"What happened with you and Carter?" I didn't know anything besides what I had seen at the lake house, and then when he left her at the school yesterday.

"I kissed him on the weekend, and then he told me he had feelings for me. I knew I didn't have those feelings for him, but I stayed with him all night anyways." Seren told me, and I hated that she had this sense of guilt in her words.

"Just because you made a mistake doesn't make you a tease. If a guy did that, no one would even blink. Why would you think that?" I wanted to know what put that thought into her head.

Seren leaned her head on her shoulder, dropping her eyes down to the ground. "He told me."

"Carter told you? He told you that you were a tease?" I could feel the anger in my own words.

"Do you think I've done that before?" She asked me, not meeting my gaze.

"What do you mean?" She wasn't making any sense.

"You know, made someone think I liked them?" Seren explained, although barely.

I had the feeling we weren't talking about Carter anymore.

"You know I can help you more if you tell me what's going on." I climbed up off the floor and walked over to where she was sitting. I could practically feel as she tensed at my proximity, so I made sure my movements were slow. I lowered my body so I was sitting right in front of her now, and when she looked up at me, I felt my stomach drop at the emotion in her eyes.

"Who do you think you lead on?" I asked her carefully.

"Just in general." She said quickly, and I knew instantly that it was a lie.

I sighed, leaning back so my weight was on my hands. "I don't think you've lead anyone on. I think sometimes if someone has feelings for another person, that they can read into their actions and make it more than it is. But that doesn't make it your responsibility."

I wasn't expecting her to answer me, since she so rarely did. I didn't particularly care that she didn't, either. I didn't care because I was more than satisfied with the small look into the window of her mind that she's hidden from me, and from everyone else for so long.

"Zane?" She said my name and I don't think it's ever sounded as good as it did coming from her.

"Hm?"

"Do you have a girlfriend?" She wasn't asking me in the way that girls usually ask me that question, with a smirk and a flip of her hair.

"No, I don't." I told her, and just like before, her face didn't change from that blank expression that seemed to be her favourite these days. "Why?"

"I was just thinking." She picked up a leaf from the ground beside her, tearing it apart gently with her fingers. "She'd be really lucky."

And I don't think I've ever been as simultaneously confused and elated in my life.