See Me

27

It turns out skipping school for three days wasn't hard when no one cared about you.

Besides Zane, who texted me once every day to make sure I hadn't taken the dark dive of no return.

Zane had tried to convince me to go back to school. I couldn't tell him why I just simply wouldn't. Or couldn't. I was scared.

I was scared of Jax. I was scared of his eyes, that had clearly been watching me in a way I had never imagined. Not only had he robbed me of the peace in my own body but now he had robbed me of the peace in my mind.

My mind had been actively trying to persuade me that everything was okay but Jax was actively trying to persuade me that everything was not okay.

Which was probably the reason I had burned through all of the weed I had already bought.
Literally.

"Here." Austin passed me the joint, nodding at me as I took it. We were in the empty parking lot again, after I had called him to buy more.

"Lorazepam not working anymore?" He asked as I inhaled the smoke.

I sighed as I exhaled, shaking my head.

"Oh. I get it. Who cut you off? Doctor?" Austin continued. "Parents? Boyfriend?"

I rolled my eyes, shaking my head again. "I don't date."

Austin laughed, taking the joint from my hands. "Nah. I knew that."

"So why did you ask?" I asked him, giggling.

"Just wanted to see your reaction. You know my friends used to think you were into girls." Austin told me. "Since you never have a boyfriend."

"You have friends?" I asked him, ignoring the rest. For some reason I couldn't picture Austin as anything other than what I had known him as, singular and curious.

"I do, Seren. You should try it sometime." He said as he passed the joint back. I would have thought he was teasing, but his tone made it known he was serious. "Why don't you?"

"Why don't I have friends?" I asked him incredulously. Even for Austin, that was blunt.

Austin laughed, shaking his head. "Date. Why don't you date?"

"You weren't joking about being a therapist." I said blankly.

"You're lucky I don't charge you by the hour." Austin tossed the end of the joint out the window, pulling a pack of cigarettes out and offering one to me. I took one, leaning in and allowing him to light it for me.

"Come on. I'm dying to know." Austin continued, once he had lit his own cigarette.

I sighed again, glancing over at him. There was something about Austin that didn't make me feel like lying. Maybe because he seemed as fucked up as I was. Maybe because I was always high when I was around him.

"I used to. Back in middle school." I started, watching the smoke of our combined cigarettes dance around the car, kissing the windshield and leaving the same residue that I'm sure coated our lungs. "I realized sooner than later that guys didn't actually like me. They liked the way I look. They liked the way I made them look. They liked me on their arm."

I glanced at Austin, and he wasn't watching me with pity, so I continued. "They all found out pretty soon that being beautiful is my only personality trait."

Austin nodded, flicking the butt of his cigarette through the crack in the window. "Maybe you should work on that then."

"Work on what?" I had forgotten what we were talking about.