See Me

Bonus Chapter:5

"Seren, you have to talk to me. You have to talk to someone."

I looked up at my dad, almost like I was seeing him for the first time in hours. It's been hours, after all, since I've been sitting here across from him. I haven't moved, and neither had he. We've just been sitting here. Staring at each other. He spoke every few minutes, trying desperately to get me to say something. I didn't want to say anything to him. Why would I?

"Please, Seren." My dad pleaded with me. I stared into his eyes, seeing the tears that had pooled in them.

No one ever tells me I look like my dad. Everyone tells me that I'm a carbon copy of my mother. Like whoever created us had pressed copy and paste, duplicating us. I see myself in my dad, though. I see myself in his eyes, the same ones that are in my own face. I see myself in the way his chin has a slight dimple, the same one mine has. I've always seen myself in him. I see it now.

I couldn't concentrate on that fact, however, because I could only feel one thing when I looked at him. Anger.

I was so fucking angry at him.

My dad took the glasses off his face, rubbing his eyes with his balled up hand. He's been trying to get me to talk to him ever since we got home last night. Once the police took our statements and drove away, leaving us in a painful silence. I didn't want to talk to him. I didn't want anything to do with him, and I wasn't quite sure why he didn't understand that.

"Why didn't you tell me? I could have helped you." He told me, his voice cracking with emotion.

I stared at him with a blank face, trying to figure out if he really didn't know the answer to a question like that.

"I could have been here for you, you know? You didn't have to go through this alone." My dad continued, and it seemed like he was talking to himself. Probably because I haven't said a word this whole time, and he likely had given up hope I was ever going to.

"Are you serious?" I stunned both of us by saying. My voice was dry, the words barely audible as they croaked out of my throat. "I've always been alone. I'm alone. I'm all alone. Why wouldn't I tell you? Is that a joke?"

My dad looked shocked by my words, his mouth opening and closing like he wasn't sure what to say. I guess whatever he was expecting me to say, it wasn't that.

"Why would I tell you dad? is a better question. Why would I tell you anything about what's happened to me? You don't care. You've made it so clear to me that you don't give a shit about me. You don't give a shit about what I'm doing. You don't give a shit about who I'm with. You don't give a shit that I wake up some nights crying for a mom I barely knew."

I paused, feeling the tears that I've learned to surrender myself to fall over my face. I tasted them as they dripped past my mouth. I wasn't sure how I had any tears left to cry. They had to run out at some point, didn't they?

"All you care about, dad, is that I'm causing the least amount of problems for you as possible. Isn't that right? So you can fly off to who knows what city, to do who knows what business. So you can take your girlfriends out on dates and pretend you have the perfect daughter? Guess what? You don't. You never did." I sobbed out, my voice was raising even though I didn't mean it to.

"Seren, sweetheart, where is this coming from?" My dad asked me, his eyebrows lowering so they made a bridge over his eyes. I sighed in exasperation, unsure as how to make my words any clearer.

"It's not coming from anywhere! It's been here! It's been here the whole time, for years. You would have known that too, you would have known if you cared to look at me longer than ten seconds." I told him, and I placed one finger under each of my eyes, trying to control the floodgates of cries that had been let open.

"What do you mean? What do you mean it's been here? Are you telling me that Jax has been doing this  for longer than this past month?"

"No dad, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying that Jax was the end of it all. Jax was just the final event in my series of struggles, and you would have known that if you paid attention to me. You would have seen it. Or maybe you did see it, but you chose to ignore it. That's why I didn't tell you, dad. I didn't tell you because I wasn't really sure you would have cared." I finished, taking a deep breath to replenish my lungs.

My dad was silent, likely as he took in my many words. We simply stared at each other. I was waiting for him to talk, and he looked like he had no idea what to say. For minutes we sat in silence, only the sounds of my sniffles filled the room.

"I'm sorry." He said finally. "I'm so sorry, Seren."

My dad raised himself off his chair, and he walked over to me. He lowered himself in front of me, close enough that I could reach out and touch him if I chose to. He looked tired, I noticed. He had bags under his eyes that I'm sure rivalled my own. He looked like this whole situation had aged him years.

"You deserved better from me, Seren. You deserved better from everyone." My dad whispered to me.

I felt the tremble in my lips, in my chin. It followed by the shaking in my chest. I lowered my head as my face scrunched together, the hysterical sobs ringing out from my throat. I reached my hands around my dad's neck, and I cried into him like I don't think I've ever cried before.

It's like his words were something my soul had been desperate to hear, a confirmation of what I was feeling was true. I had deserved better. From everyone.

Except, one.