See Me

58

"I'm going to have to start from the beginning, I think." I said into the air as I paced back and forth on the hard rock that we were standing on. "It's just, well... I've never told anyone most of this."

I glanced towards Zane, who was sitting patiently, waiting for my words to flow. He was watching me as I paced, which I've been doing for the last five minutes.

"Well, except Lucy." I said offhandedly, as if I was reminding myself.

"Lucy?" Zane questioned.

"Yeah, Lucy. My therapist." I answered him.

Zane grabbed my hand as I paced by him, causing me to stop and spin towards him. He looked at me in a way that reminded me of the way he used to look at me, back when all of this first happened. When he was looking for the lies. His eyes were lighter this time though, instead of being laced with doubt they were laced with something else instead. I could be wrong, but I could have sworn it looked like relief.

"You have a therapist?" He whispered out.

"Yeah, I do." I confirmed, smiling softly. "My dad's idea, after Jax was arrested. It's helped. It's helped a lot."

Zane nodded at my words, a smile broke out on his lips for the first time since we've been here. I stared at it, feeling a faint resurgence of that feeling in my chest that Lucy was talking about.

"You know that you can tell me anything, right? Nothing will change how I feel about you, how I see you." Zane told me, reminding me of what I was struggling to find words for.

I sighed as I gently pulled my hand away from his, turning back around so I was facing the water again. He said that now, but only because he didn't know what was coming.

"The night that it happened..." I started, taking a deep breath. "Jax came into my bed after I fell asleep. He was saying all kinds of crazy things. That he loved me, that I loved him. That I belonged to him. But, I think the worst thing that he said happened after he had finished. He said, you made a mistake, but I forgive you." I shook my head as I heard his voice in my head again.

I heard the rate of Zane's breathing increase, as I knew it would. I knew hearing this would be difficult for him, but he has to. If there's any hope that he could understand, he needs to hear this.

"My mind didn't take long before it started to lie to me. It was horrible. I sat in that room, feeling pieces of my soul start to fade away as my brain told me lies. I started questioning my worth as a person, because if Jax could just walk into my room and take away my consent so easily, maybe I wasn't really worth anything in the first place."

"That's not true, Seren. Jax's choice to do what he did that night had nothing to do with you." Zane said firmly.

"I know. I see that now, I realize that. But I couldn't see it at the time." I told him. "I might have even realized it sooner if he had left me alone afterwards. Maybe if he had pretended nothing happened, and I didn't exist, it would have been easier. But, maybe not. I felt so alone after it happened. So alone."

I took a breath as I remembered those days. I would never wish it upon anyone, to experience those feelings.

"And you helped me, like I said. You made it better. I don't know what I would have done without you." I looked up to Zane, hoping he understood just how serious I was. He looked in pain at my words.

"But the problem was... he was always there. He was always reminding me, threatening me, scaring me. I would have a great day, a perfect day with you. But the next day he was glaring at me, or leaving me a note, or coming to my house. You know he broke into my room when no one was there? He left a note on my vanity."