See Me

11

The whole night, Jax had been watching me like a lion watches a gazelle. He followed my every move with his eyes, watching me from afar, as though he was simply waiting for me to separate from the group. Or in this case, from Carter.

At first, I stuck to Carter's side because I knew it was making Jax angry. Now, however, I'm more concerned that the moment I leave, Jax will say something to me. I didn't want to hear anything he had to say. If I never had to look at him again, I would be thrilled.

I was surprised that no one had said anything about the way Jax was staring at me. To me, it felt like a dead give away that something was wrong, that something was amiss. I'm not sure if no one noticed, or more than likely just no one cared.

I tried to remember what I usually did when we all drank together. It's usually the only time I don't think twice about my actions. Not tonight, though. I tried my hardest to act normal, not to give anyone any clues. I drank when someone offered me a booze, I smoked when someone offered me a joint. What else did I normally do?  I felt like an alien trying to pretend I was human.

Carter had been increasingly touchy, he was always trying to find a way to touch me, as if he was staking his claim in front of the other guys. At first it was just his hand on my back, and then his arm around my shoulder. The alcohol that I had consumed had made it less intolerable. When he eventually pulled me into his lap, while we were all seated around the table, I barely even flinched. Well, I was sure that I didn't flinch. My body and face seemed intent on not conveying any emotion.

I thought I was doing fairly well at pretending to be me. The old me. Pre Jax me.

The curious glances I was getting from Olivia and Trinity told me I wasn't doing as good of a job as I thought. Zane's narrowed eyes watched me with curiousity. Cain seemed to look at me when he was expecting me to do something, like when a certain song came on, or when my cup ran empty. Tyler and Benji didn't seem to notice, which was comforting in a sense. At least I wasn't totally giving myself away.

None the less, it was emotionally exhausting.

So I did something I had never expected to want to do while drinking. I laid my head over Carter's shoulder and pretended to fall asleep.

It wasn't hard, I was a fairly good actor by now. I'd like to think I was, anyways. I acted like I was happy. I acted like I enjoyed the company of most of the people here. I acted like I wasn't drowning in my own mind. And no one ever thought the contrary.

"She asleep?" I heard Zane's voice ask. I had been slowing my breath down for the last five minutes, focusing on keeping it a rhythm. The darkly tinted sunglasses I had refused to take off all day were still perched on my face. I slowly opened my eyes, trusting that the dark of the night and the dark glass would hide them completely.

The rest of the group had left to other parts of the yard. Olivia and Noah were in the hot tub and Jax, Tyler and Trinity were gathered around the fire pit, leaving only Cain and Zane sitting around the glass patio table with us. They were both peering down at me. Cain's eyes were focused on Carter's hands, which were completely wrapped around my torso, both supporting my weight and keeping me from falling. Zane was looking at my face with the same observing look he had worn all morning.

"Yeah, she's out cold." Carter answered, his hand gently stroking up and down my arm.

"Good. She seemed exhausted earlier." Zane replied, leaning back in his chair.

"So, are you guys a thing now?" Cain asked, and even in the dark I could see his jaw was tensed.

Carter hesitated for a moment. "We're just hanging out."