I'm stuck.
I just don't know what ill do.
I know in a couple of years I won't be able to do things for myself. I might not be able to work because I won't be able to cope with the pressure and stress. I'll probably get more breakdowns and my body might deteriorate.
This just comes with mental issues, doesn't it? It may seem all sunshine and daisies on the surface but that's because people like me unintentionally mask to protect others.
I don't want people finding out what I'm really like because it'll trigger them and they won't want to talk to me anymore. It always happens and it's defiantly happening again.
The only person that's keeping me sane at this point in them. But I know with every second that passes I'm losing them and there's nothing I can do about it. Sometimes I think it'll be better if I just distance myself but I can't bring myself to it because I love them so much.
I'm just useless I have no use how am I supposed to do something with my life if I forget to do the basics like fucking feed myself. Two days it's been since I've had a proper meal. That's not healthy but that's because I haven't had any strength to make anything. Just walking downstairs exhausts me now. It's not like I'm unfit. I do regular exercise even if I don't feel like it.
I'm just tired of being ignored by everyone. Irl. I was downstairs the whole day yesterday and no one even noticed me. They thought I was upstairs the whole day. I even tried to talk to them and they just ignored me.
I'm a burden and that's what ill forever be. A no good, useless burden. I should just do it but I can't. It's not that I'm afraid, I'm not afraid anymore it's that I don't want to hurt them. They've been hurt so much and I only keep on contributing to that.
I can't help it. It's the shitty things I say half of the time. I should do what I do irl stay quiet. I'll hurt no one then and they'll just forget about me like everyone else. That'll be what's best. But I'll hurt people more by not talking.
I can't fucking win. Either way, I'm hurting someone. I just want to be normal. I want everyone to be happy. That can never happen though not in the world we live in. If I could id just put everyone's problems on me and they'd be able to be happy again. Or at least a handful of people.
I just don't know what my future is going to be like and that's really scary. That sounds stupid no one knows what its going to be like. But I don't even have a plan, once I'm out of college what do I do with my life.
How do I do basic adult shit? I'm just useless, I'll never be able to do something on my own ill always have to have someone there with me. This prooving how useless I am.
I don't even know why I'm writing this on here. No one's ever going to see it. Guess that's the point-_-
The fact that I'm crying whilst writing this. Outstanding. so proud. I have emotions. Woooow. I'm just a sack of shit really. I'll always be useless and a waste of space. Someone would be so happy to have my life but here I am wasting it.
