Dear danni,
So much has happened in not a lot of time.
it's been a bit overwhelming for me. the final ordeal with inactive, college finishing, trying to figure out what I want to do after college and what I want to do with my life. i cna't find the balance still.
let's start from the beginnnign
inactive_active
this is a dangerous person, just asmuch as antitendosatori was. their main goal was my downfall and I did give it to them couple of times. but inactive was another level, wishing me to be rapped to die, the difference between inactive and anti was inactive claimed to know me. as in we were on a discord server together and claimed I was a pick me.
I know exactly what server they were on about. there were times on that server where I was the butt of veryone's joke, where I got made fun of, there were times when we had laughs together and there was times I was too scared to type on there. i still can't figure out who they were on that server but they had something against be probably because they're jealous of me. i mean I can't figure out any other reason but why me? why do you want my life so much huh?
My father is barely a father for the first 14 years of my life he was incognito, I didn't see him and when I did he made it my problem that he wasn't working. i got shouted at and hit by him.
my mother is a pathological lier. she twists every story so it works in her favour, like my father she hit and shouted at me, she also recorded me when I was at my most vulnerable moments, she isn't parent material and never will be.
both of their actions shaped who I am now.
my sister never helped she's always treated me like an alien, like someone who doesn't know what they're doing and she outed me to my parents and I fought to not get kicked out because of it.
my father was made redundednt so he was home for a long time, you can see where that went, everything because ten times worst.
I was failing at school because I was depressed yet- I still am failing at school. in secondary school I was cutting daily I was constantly overdosing, but they all failed. i had a crisis team. i want to die. the only reason why I'm not actively trying anymore is because I keep on hurting people and they get mad and our relationship changes and I cant let it change anymore or there wont be a relationship.
when I left secondary all of my 'friends' dumped me. even my 'friend' of ten years dumped me, they all went out posted it on social media yet hadn't invited me.
lockdown happened, everyone was at home everything because more chaotic not being able to leave the house, i stayed up in my bedroom for a year, only coming down to eat which i had then developed an eating disorder so i was actively throwing uo my food and making sure i had lost weight.
then comes college, in the first year I had no support at all, no one believed I could do It not even my teachers i scraped past the year in lockdown i was caught up in stupid drama because i had briefly talked to a student. i scrapped by with a pass overall
second year (this year), i got a therapist i started to heal but then i self sabotaged, i stopped going to therapy because i didn't want to waste her time. there were more important people she could be helping and i was a burden to her. I started cutting again i started throwing up again and i tried to commit suicide again but my friend and danni helped me through it.
i couldn't get through this year without danni.
so knowing this why are you jealous of me?
two
college finishing
I don't know what i want to do with my future, i dind;t think i'd get this far in life. I'm scarred of the future because i don't know what's going to happen but no one does so why am i so scarred?. I've applied for another course, front of house course so i have another year to figure out what to do.
three
i am drained, so many things are going on at once, my grandmother is living with us because she had eye surgery and can't see proproly so mother is acting like a saint and using passive aression on me and m sister, i want to move out of this house i want to run away.
brighton would be nice, i love the sea it's so calming. I want to live by the sea but it's so expensive to do. it's a tourist site so it will be expensive.
I need help in life, i know i can't do it alone. I don't know what I'm doing now, so how can i live on my own...
let's not think about that right now, maybe later but i want to enjoy the holidays...where i will be alone because they're going on holiday without me but I'm going spain for more or less three weeks with college.
