Dear Danni,
alot of bad memories came to my mind today. But the one that affected me the most was my CAMHS (Childrens mental health service) memories.
they were actually praising me when they brought back the momory. They told me that im doing well for myself and im coping with my disability greatly. That when they first saw me they didnt believe i was tapped in the head.
It made me remember everything. Starying in year 4- Primary school. Thats what 3rd grade? anyway i was 8. It was thw year of the firework incident i told you about
I got admitted initially for my handwriting but i was asked to go privetly into a room where they took my height and weighed me and asked me questions like 'have you ever wanted to die?' and stuff like that.
The answer i wanted to say was yes. At 8 years old i already wantes the sweet sacrafise of death. Why? My family. I had no friends. Im always the outcast.
But my parents were in the room so i said no.
I said no to everything thwy asked me. They knew something was wrong so they made me fill out a paper version of it. I still lied on it.
I didnt want to be even more of a dissapointment.
My parents always shout at me. They knew if they even slightly touched me i'd scream bloody murder at them. They have a history of hitting people.
so they send death threats my way. When i was 8...
my father was on anti depressents at the time. He had been made redundent but i never knew him until then because he was never home.
My mother blaims me for her becoming infertile and for nearly killing her.
She was told the risks of having children with her condition and she still had them. But when she went into labour with me it nearly took her out.
i wish it did.
The next time i went to a CAMHS meeting they tried to get me to eat things. I was told by the kids in my class and my Family that I was the size of an elephant so i refused to.
They asked if i was full from.lunch. i told them i hadnt eaten that day. They did nothing.
Things started to get so bad i started to self harm more. I statted cutting. I hid a knife in my pillowcase. No one found it for years.
No one even questioned the scars on my arms and i looked like a zebra with the amount i had.
I got a nurse to help me because they susoected something. All she did was belittle me. She made fun of everything, the way i looked. The way i acted. My weight. My ethnicty. Anything she cound she made fun of.
i was 9. Still in year 4 but near the end of it.
between years 5-6 (4-5grade) i developed an undiagnosed eating disorder. Its still undiagnosed but very much present.
I constantly skip meals and if i do eat it's ice cubes because its empty calories. I dont want to waste the packed lunch my mother gives me so i give it to the homeless.
Theyll want it more anyway.
Im afraid to tey thibgs i dont know because i dont know what goes into it so i wont know the calorie count.
There was a point in year 6 (5th grade) that i developed anemia from my bad habbits. I had daily nosebleeds and my blood levels were dangerously low. There was a point where i was puking up blood.
My mental health went down the drain i didnt have the energy to do anything so for a year or two the only time i actually washed was on days we had to go swimming with school. But thwn it was the swimming place showers so it was a quick 1,2 to get the chlorine off of you.
That is disgusting.
When i started secondary school i had more frequent appointments and i had a one to one at school.
I adored her. She got me back onto my feet and i promised id stop harming. She was so nice. But good things dont last. One day she just left eithout a word
i didnt get any help from my school until year 11 (10th grade)
my groups at CAMHS stopped it just stopped getting support but i wasnt discharged.
my weight kept on going down rapidly then i gained alot then it went back down. Through my ywars at secondary school.
I started harmung again. I broke my promise to my.one on one but thwn again she abandoned me.
The kids thought it was cool. They were constantly feeling my arm. I hated it. I could feel it and i hated it ao.much
i just wanted to die so i attempted. I attemoted to overdose. I didnt take enough and just passed out at school. Everyone was talking about it and maiing fun of me for it.
The second time.i tried to. I attempted to sttangle myself with a cable. Why did i think that would work?
i met you when i was finishing secondary school.
Yiu helped me gef better. Talking to you helped me get better.
College.
(Junior and softmore year)
i had a few slip ups.
Started to starve myself again.
I harmed abit but made a promise to you not to.
I attemped by slashing my wrists.
College did nothing when i wanted help. When i reached out to them
CAMHS discharged me.
Second year of college. I can feel myself go again. I was 6 mo ths clean. But i relapsed. I nearly passed out at work because i hadnt had ajything for a while.
im asking for.help.
but i lost my point hang on.
Yeah, all of that came back into my mind because of one comment.
It made me feel so.insecure. i hate it.
always,
Luca
