Announcer: Epic Rap Battles of History! Abe Lincoln vs Chuck Norris!
Lincoln: Four score! In 65 years in the past, I won the Civil War with my beard, and now I'm to whup your ass! I've been reading up on your facts, you cure cancer with your tears? Well, tell me, Chuck, How come you've never sat down and cried on your career? You're a washed up has-been on TV selling Total Gyms. And you're going to loose this battle, like you lost the Return of the Dragon. I'll rip your chest hairs out, and put 'em in my mouth. I'll squash you like I squashed the South. I've never told a lie and I won't start now. You're a horse with a limp, I'll put you down.
Norris: This isn't Gettysburg, Punk. I'd suggest retreating. For I invented rap music when my heart started beating. Chuck Norris doesn't battle, he just allows you to loose. My raps will blow your mind like a verbal John Wilkes Booth.
Lincoln: I've got my face of the side of a mountain, you voted for John McCain. I've got a bucket full of my head and I'm about to make it rain. You block bullets with your beard? I catch them with my skull. I'd make fun of Walker, Texas Ranger, but I've never even seen that show.
Norris: I am Chuck fucking Norris! I'v spread more blood and gore than forty score of your puny Civil Wars, bitch. I split the Union with a roundhouse kick. I wear a black belt on my beard that I grow on my dick. I attack sharks when I smell them bleed. I don't go swimming. Water just wants to me around me. My fists make the speed of light wish that it was faster. You may have freed the slaves, but Chuck is everyone's master.
Announcer: Who won!? Who's next!? You Decide! Epic Rap Battles of History!
YOU ARE READING
ERBoH Lyrics
Historical FictionCredit: Lloyd Ahlquist aka EPICLloyd, Peter Shukoff aka NicePeter, Zach Sherwin, Atul Singh, Matthew Schlissel, Shaun Lewin, Brittany White, Ashlyn McIntyre, Morgan Christensen, Sulai Lopez, Jon Na, Jose "Choco" Reynoso, Josh Best, Ryan Moulton, Jav...
