A Burden I Will Bear

⚫️He asked⚫️

WARNINGS!: Sexual trauma!! Unconsented touching!! Relationship trauma!!

Remember kids consent is h o t
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When did platonic turn into such a deep....desire?

The desire to always be next to him.

To always be in his warm embrace.

To always hear his laugh. See his smile.

To hug every scar and bad memory away.

Its almost like it never really was just platonic.

Do friends do this?

Do Friends hold hands?

Do friends cuddle?

Do friends call each other 'my beloved'?

. . .

Do friends feel the urge to press their lips on the other?

I've had a relationship once.

His name was... i dont want to say it.

Lets just call him jerk.

Jerk and i met in middle school. He charmed his way to many girls.

Key word: girls

He said he didnt mind that i wasn't a girl.

He said he was bisexual. So then why did he call me his girlfriend? Why did he make me wear dresses when i didnt want to? My dad used to let me wear dresses whenever i wanted.

I loved them.

He ruined them for me.

He managed to make something that gave me so many fond memories into something that made my breath hitch.

He made perverse remarks about my body in the dresses. I despised it.
But i stayed because i though he loved me. And i thought i loved him back.

But is it really love when they forcefully kiss you like that? Touch you like that?

Say those ... things?

He went after me and i thought he loved me for me.

We never went 'all the way' but thats just  because I'm not a girl.

He wouldn't have held back if i was one thats one thing i do know.

He said i was cute. Petite. Adorable.pretty

He said i was his

That no matter how much i thought i hated him i was just confused.

I loved him right? And he loved me?

No.

He shrugged away everything my mother did when i told him.

He touched me in ways i didnt want to be touched.
He never asked for consent. Said it was 'too much of a hassle'

Unimportant

I never felt safe with him.

I really never felt safe anywhere but at that point i would've rather my mothers slurs.
He would make me wear this skimpy dresses when i came over to his house. Made me sit on his lap while he did things.

I loved him?

He loved me?

Consent wasn't important right? I had no say? I didnt deserve a say in the way he kissed me?

It was never full of love.
No way he touched me was 'full of love' it wasn't warm and sweet. It was cold. Lustfull.

As soon as i got out of middle school I'm blocked him on everything i had. I stopped talking to him. I avoided everyone we were friends with, every place i knew he knew and left.

Shortly after my dads got custody of me and... i met him.

Shuichi Saihara.

He was so broken. So sad yet so happy.

Everytime i smiled at him it felt like a peice of him revived. A spark was brought back into his eyes.

He touched me too.
But this time...i loved it.

He was gentle, sweet, caring.

He held my hand, he hugged me, we cuddled. We danced. He pet my hair. He kissed my cheeks, my forehead.

Every time he asked.

He asked if he could put his hand on my waist for dance practice.

He asked to hold my hand for the first time.

He asked if he could pet me.
He asked if we could hug.

And eventually. . . I asked.

I wanted more.
I wanted him to hug me.
I wanted to cuddle.
I wanted his hand intertwined in mine.

I realised i do deserve a say in it. Its my choice. And my choice was saihara.

Suddenly i didnt mind being
cute. Petite. Adorable.pretty

I didn't mind being his

I wanted to be his
I didnt mind the way he touched me because it was never sexual.

He touched me with nothing but love.

I felt safe for once, he was my own personal safe haven.
He made me feel like i was the most precious thing.

So thats why right now.

On my bed.

With his arms around me

. . .

I never want to leave