Saudade [Choi Yeonjun]

31

"Hold this." Hyunwoo ordered and tossed a gun at the girl like it was nothing. Lucky for
y/n, she caught it in time. All those days of playing catch paid off.

"What is this?" Y/n asked being the curious little kid she was.

"It's a gun."

"Is this a gift for me?" She asked with sparkling eyes. "You can keep it if you do what you're told," Hyunwoo smirked.

"What should I do?" Y/n asked jumping impatiently.

"Kill them."

The sparkle in her eye disappeared, her lips curved downwards into a mild frown while her excited tense form loosened and her shoulders dropped.

"What?" She asked again to make sure she heard correctly.

"You heard me, kill them with that gun and you can have it." Hyunwoo said tapping his foot on the ground restlessly.

Y/n's hand trembled making her almost drop the weapon from her hand.

"B-but they must be having kids like me..." Y/n tried to reason with her dad who was adamant that she must kill the two in front of them.

"JUST DO IT!" Hyunwoo said loosing all his patience and enveloping his large cold and rough hands around Y/n soft palm and placed her pointer finger on the trigger and pulled.

A loud bang bounced off the depressing white walls of the basement.

The gun fell from y/n's hand as she ran up to the woman who was bleeding on the ground.

"Ahju-"

Y/n's shaky hands reached out to move the lady but her body fell to the side lifelessly like a ragdoll.

You killed her y/n.

"No I didn't!" Y/n yelled.

You're a murderer like your father now.

"No!"

Your mother is going to hate you. And you can't even explain yourself

Y/n's body jolted up from her bed with a layer of cold sweat coating her skin. Her breaths were heavy and laboured. Her hand was placed on her chest making her feel her own racing heart.

Why does this keep repeating?

She reached out to the glass of water on her bedside table but it was empty making y/n feel very frustrated.

Her frustration poured out as tears while she fell off her bed and onto her knees silently crying.

She crawled to the corner of her room and hugged her knees crying into them making her pajama pants wet with her tears.

She hated how she remembered everything. Every small detail came back to haunt her and take away her peace.

Even if her childhood was bad, why couldn't the universe grant her peace for the rest of her adult life atleast?

She stood up from the corner feeling the walls of her room closing in. She used the wall as a guidance and walked to her desk where there was another glass of water, full thankfully and her pills.

Placing the bright red pill on her tongue, she gulped down her water feeling relief flooding through her dry throat.

She sat down and turned on her dim yellow light and opened her journal.

One of the ways she would cope with her PTSD and anxiety was through writing down her thoughts into her book.

Dear diary,

Today I had the same dream again. I'm really tired of it. It's almost as if I'm living the same moment all over again. The woman, the eight year old me, and that son of a gun. Even though it wasn't really me, the voices in my head won't let me live in peace even though I'm ready to move on.

The only reason I write these things down is because if in j the future I ever conquer this shitty trauma, I want to look back and see how far I've come and feel happy and proud. Since I'm kinda sleepy, I'm ending today's rant here.

Shutting the lights, y/n made her way back to her comfortable bed and snuggled into the blanket. She reached out for her phone to check the time.

5:43 am

Y/n sighed and sunk into her pillows. She felt like a balloon. Filling up with so many things minute by minute ready to burst any time but she was holding back. She knew and trusted the boys and Chaeyoung but she didn't want to trouble them.

Because she was always told that she was a burden, nobody knew what she was going through.

Nobody managed to see the pain behind her smile.

_________________________________

Sad, I know.

Also,

Me: I have a bias-

Soobin: Not anymore ;)

Why is he liek dis send help