With Broken Wings (2013)

Truth

What do you do when family is all you have, but it isn't enough? When the one thing you could always count on to keep you from falling apart is what's crumbling away? When your family is everything and it's falling to bits?

What can you say when every word seems to weigh so much more than it used to? I don't even know which way is up and which way is down anymore. Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning and I seem to have forgotten how to swim. What do you do when you don't even know how you feel?

You do what you can to pretend it's not happening. You ignore all the facts, all rationality, and you begin to push people away. When they don't make an effort to stay then you know that they weren't there for the long haul anyway.

You retreat, shut yourself off from the world and delve into the worlds that keep you sane. You don't think about the world, it becomes unimportant to you to see the big picture anymore. You start feeling like the things you used to love don't mean quite so much anymore.

You avoid thinking about it as much as you can for fear of letting yourself go. You can't accept that its reality, it all just feels so surreal to you. Your passions begin to consume you, they become all you have left. Your outlets help but they just don't work the same way anymore.

You hear that one song that makes you feel like you want to cry and it brings all the memories flooding in. You refuse to let yourself fall apart, to let those tears break free, because you know that if you do you might not be able to put yourself back together again. You're afraid of feeling anything because it might just be what sends you over the edge.

You work so hard to make sure you look like you're okay, to act like nothing has changed, that when something so small as a verse from a song or a quote makes you feel like there's a connection between it and your pain, you begin to fall apart all over again.

You forget to shield yourself from the small things and that's what becomes your kryptonite. Big ones you can handle, but it's the small ones that break you. You begin to dream about everything you wish that you could be, do and see. Of everything you could have had if you'd had the courage to try a little harder.

You overlook everything else and focus on not showing your emotions when people are around. You try and cry softly even when you're all alone. You don't want to let it all in, you don't want to have to feel. You start thinking that it's all okay and you might actually be able to do this.

Then something else comes along and you realize that you were wrong, you can't live like this. You try and forget about the pain but it always comes back when you least expect it. You feel bad about being selfish and not being there for your friends and family. But you just can't seem to pull yourself together enough to really do something about it.

To lose a loved one, is to lose a part of yourself. You feel like all the things you used to do together are special and that you can't do them alone anymore. But you can't stop either because you love doing them. You start to not enjoy your favorite things as much anymore.

The memories and the mementoes you have left mean everything. You can't even walk into that house without taking a deep breath and feeling like something is wrong. Nothing is the same anymore and it's hard because you wish that it could be.

You notice all of the little things you didn't know about them and realize how much you did. You start to see how well you really know some people and how misguided you were about others. Every place you've been together, everything you've ever done together, brings back memories.

They make you smile but at the same time they hurt to think about. You just want to take everyone's pain away and make them truly smile again, the way that lights up their face and makes their whole being raditate happiness, but you know that you can't.

So many things that you wish you could have done or that you could make happen, they're all out of reach now. You want to be better, to make them proud but it's not easy. You just wish that everything could go back to the way that it was when everyone was happy but you know that it never will.

You want to see his smile one more time, to watch his eyes sparkle with happiness and pride when you all did something special. You want him to be there to see you graduate, get married, to watch the others grow up. Only deep down inside you know that no matter how much you want it, you can't bring him back. You wish that you could have had just one more day with him but realize that if you had, you'd want him to stay forever.

You learn so much about yourself, who your true friends are, and about everyone around you. So many things you never knew before, didn't need to. You begin to miss his little quirks, and all the things that annoyed you before become things you realize that you took for granted.

You realize how much he really knew and how much he actually taught you. You didn't notice how much of what he said you retained before, you just thought it all went in one ear and out the other. But you're happy to find that you've remembered something after all.

So many things change and you tell yourself that it's time to move on and start anew. Yet you can't seem to bring yourself to forget or to throw anything out. You cling to the past like a life preserver but you know that someday you'll have to let go.

You take life one day at a time and just try to get through it little by little. You start to see that life is a gift and you begin to stop taking so much for granted. You always say goodbye just in case it's the last time. Because not doing so and never getting to is the worst feeling.

You can't watch people in pain, suffering or ill because it reminds you of watching him waste away. The pain you felt at seeing how much of a shadow of his former self he'd become. You remember the man he used to be, and the one that he became is a reminder of how much he suffered along the way.

You just wanted him not to have to hurt when he left. He didn't even get that much and it was hard on you to see. But it was harder yet to see how much it hurt the others you love to see him that way. You hated watching him lie about the pain so that the rest of the family didn't have to know how much he was really hurting.

You understand that he wanted to keep them from the pain and admire his selflessness in doing so, but it's hard because you can see the lie in his eyes. You can tell that it's so much harder on him than he's letting on. You just want to take all of that pain so that he doesn't have to feel it.

You want to wipe away the sadness on his face but you know that no matter how hard you try, it's there to stay. You just wish that you could have been there for everyone else to lean on because you can't take their pain away. You want to hug them all and tell them it'll be okay. You can't bring yourself to admit how much it isn't but just hope that one day it will be.

That's all you can do, all you have left. Hope. Hope that one day it won't hurt so much, that one day you'll be able to think about him without flinching. Hope of better things to come and hope that everyone will use this as an opportunity to push themselves harder and achieve their dreams instead of letting it drag them down.

You hope that he's looking down on you right now and guiding them all to where they deserve to be. Hope that tomorrow will be better. Hope is so much more than you thought it could be, and it's all that's keeping you together anymore. It's enough, barely, but it's enough for now.