With Broken Wings (2013)

Sincerely

Dear Grandpère,

I thought that I would get stronger, or that this would get easier, but I was wrong. We're all going to go through the rest of our lives carrying this grief with us car c'est comme du ciment collé à nos âmes. It may eventually get easier to bear but it will always be there. That part of our heart that you'll continue to live on in and the memories that we'll never allow ourselves to forget. Ne oublie, c'est notre motto de famille après tout. 

The hardest part isn't coping, ironically enough, though that is no piece of cake. The worst part of it all is knowing that the others suffrent la même que moi et il n'y a rien que je peut faire pour soulager leur douleur. Knowing that I'm not there for them to lean on, to talk to, to ask questions or to reassure them that things will all work out in the end. C'est la peine de ne pas être capable de les parler chaque jour comme je veut.

Savannah told her class the other day that you were dead and living up with the angels in heaven. Someone asked her about her grandfather and she replied that he was gone, that she didn't get to see him anymore and that everyone was sad. I don't remember her exact words, though I wish that I did, but to know that she understood and saw that much, being as young as she is, me fait vouloir pleurer encore.

She shouldn't have to go through this, not so young, elle est seulement six pour l'amour de dieu. But she doesn't have a choice. I can't be there to hug her and show her that despite everyone being upset, we still love her and we're still a family because sometimes I wonder how much she really sees. And to have her grandma Drad pass away this summer too, that was hard I'm sure.

I feel bad because everyone is judging uncle Grant for his behaviour the weekend nous sommes tous allé a Québec vous enterrer, mais on ouble que lui aussi is grieving. Just because they are adults does not mean that our parents are hurting any less but we assume that they at least, should know what they are doing. Maybe they don't. 

Maybe you weren't his father but you were a part of this family all the same and I'm sure he missed you. Aunt Sandy cried at your funeral and she was not your daughter, because she loved you like one anyway. Just as I know you loved your children by marriage, est-ce que c'est une vrai terme, like your own children. And they had their grieving spouses and children to be strong for and support as well.

I just wonder if maybe we are sometimes too quick to judge and not quick enough to forgive.

Il me tue that I know that les autres souffrent et je ne peut pas être there to help them, the comfort them or simplement leur montrer qu'on peut get through this together. Because we have always done so much together and been so close, ever since we were children, and now suddenly we're all so far apart. Je le déteste.

I hate this, all of it. The distance, how far apart we have grown over the years, this space that keeps us from really opening up to each other like we all know we want to. I thought it would be like a punch in the gut the first time I heard the news, like I'd been stabbed in the heart with a burning dagger or shot with a poisoned bullet. 

I didn't feel any of that. Not right away. I was just numb. Disbelief surged through me, I refused to believe that this was really happening, that we had finally lost you. C'était trop difficile to even think about after having had to watch you suffer for so long. Somewhere deep down I knew it had to be ture because you had declined so fast but I didn't want to accept that you were gone for good. I couldn't.

The longe it has to sink in, the more it pains me to think about over time. I was busy at first, studying and preparing for exams, planning for the funeral and wanting to make sure that everyone else was okay and it didn't really hit me until later that it was all real. I remember sitting in the pew, up near the front, and listening to the priest speak and telling myself that this would be over soon and we could all spend some time together thinking of you. 

I remember thinking that it would be easy, this whole funeral thing, and wondering why it was even taking place because you had never been particularly religious. Now I see that it was for grandma because she wanted you to be remembered this way, in the church, and have her friends and family around for support. But I was wrong about it being easy.

Aunt Leanne cried when she talked about you, and Corrinne almost did when she spoke too, the french bits made her tear up so bad she had to stop and clear her throat a few times. She misses you the most, besides grandma, I think because she sure cried the hardest of anyone besides grandma, aunt Diane and uncle Murray that day. I was almost afraid that she would have to leave because she was sobbing so loud. I wanted to hug her, but I couldn't move.

Aunt Diane got up to speak, and she was near tears too, and she recited a lovely poem about you. I think you would have liked it. And as soon as she began to speak, I couldn't help but bawl my eyes out like everyone else. Even Cam cried. And Kris. They miss you too, they just don't like to talk about it, but you know how Kris can be. There was no shame in tears that day, no one too manly to cry in front of that whole room or you.

We all loved you a whole damn lot you know. Sorry about the language, I just need you to understand how much you're missed Mr. Fix-it. When she finished the poem, I couldn't seem to stop crying and it hurt but I just didn't know how. Grandma lent us your old handkerchiefs you know, to use, and we all wore them proudly. Cam still has his, and the tie of yours he borrowed that day. I wish I'd kept mine.

Grandma cried so much, she used her hand to try and stiffle the sibs but I'm glad she had uncle paul and uncle Murray to hold her hands because I know that this must be so much harder for her. You guys had more than sixty years together if I remember right. That's a lot to lose and a lot to let go of. She started cleaning out the house later and we realized just how much stuff you kept. Sometimes I wish I could save it all but I know that can't happen.

The funeral wasn't as easy as I had expected, but Kara talked to me that day when she usually doesn't say much to me anymore. Even Kris seemed to acknowledge my presence more than usual which was nice. It was nice to feel like une famille encore et voir que tout le mode était là pour les autres même si on le savait déja.

All I could feel for the longest time after losing you was this emptyness inside of me, this cold, like I had nothing left.This bare hole where my heart should have been, like it was missing. No feeling. I couldn't remember things like I used to and the months of exams and prep seemed to fly by so quickly that I barely have any recollection of them. I couldn't bring myself to care about a lot of things and Seanna decided that she was better off not knowing me. Maybe she was.

As time goes on and things begin to settle down I find the emptyness turns to that terrible sense of missing some vital part of myself as well as many sleepless nights, endless tears and wanting to cry when anything reminds me of you. It seems like everything does these days.

It feels as if one of my limbs has been brutally hacked off and I can live without it but doing so is much more difficult than it used to be. Existing is not as meaningful and more meaningful than it has ever been, all at the same time. It's like I lost a part of myself when you left and I'm going to have to build it again from scratch because otherwise it may never come back. 

All of this waiting, pretending and fake smiling is taking it's toll. It takes so much energy to build up a pretence and hold up my walls. Sometimes I want nothing more than to let them all crumble but then I remember what it's like to let someone in and how much it hurts to lose them after and I just can't bring myself to do it. 

It's not easy to pretend you're happy but I have to keep trying because my marks needed to stay high to get into university and now that I'm here I don't want to let anyone down. Least of all you. It's still hard to keep my head in one place, to focus on anything but the memories of you, photos of us, worying about grandma and the others and missing you but I'm working on it. 

I'm consumed by this pain, this flood of emotion that I can't even describe and is so hard to figure out that I don't even knoe how I'm feeling half the time. Okay is the answer I default to now. Or fine because there isn't much else to say without having to explain. I can't do that.

As the Pussycat Dolls once said "I hate this part right here." I feel like singing has become my only outlet along with listening to music and writing. I need them all now so mcuh more than I did before and I hate this feeling of spiraling out of control. It's awful. Talk to you again soon.

Je t'aime,

Meghan