There are so many things I didn't say, and I wish that I had. So many others I did that I wish I could take back. So many moments I'll regret and others that I'll always wish we had. So many what if's and what for's. Only now I know I'll never get an honest answer.
So many questions I'd like to ask, so many answers I wish I hadn't given. So many memories that now leave me broken. So many songs I can't listen to without crying, so many that leave me feeling empty inside. I wish I'd known them better, wish maybe I hadn't known them at all. What I don't know can't hurt me after all, right?
Trying not to fall apart, trying not to let that fake smile become too real. Want to hear your voice once more, afraid that if I did I'd break down right then and there. Pretending I don't need you, that I'm just fine, that it's all going to be the same as before. In truth, I know nothing will ever be the way it was before.
It's so much harder to let you go than if like to admit. Time doesn't take away the pain. Everything I do leads to thoughts of you and there's nothing I can do. Never was sure if there was a god out there, now I'm even less sure about anything but especially the powers above. Some days it feels like I'm somebody else, lost sight of what I'm fighting for.
Sometimes I feel too much, and sometimes I don't feel at all. Feeling so detached that I do everything without thinking. It's like I'm a robot, emotionless. And I hate that. Because emotions were always my strong point, what I knew. I've always been an emotional person, but now it's all just become too much. I swamped, drowning here alone. And I can't seem to bring myself to shout for help.
The worst part is feeling this way and not thinking that something's wrong. What have I become to start thinking I deserve this? But maybe I do. I'm not the greatest, kindest or best person out there. I may not be the worst either but I still deserve to suffer sometimes. Why do these thoughts run through my mind? I should feel like there's something wrong here, but I don't. And it scares me. More than anything.
I just want to be okay again. Be me again. Be without this hole in my heart that seems to have thrown the world off balance. I just want to be able to smile and have it reach my eyes, feel them sparkle with light and happiness when I laugh, to say I'm fine and actually mean it. I want to be able to stop hurting so damn badly all the time. All I want is to be happy again, like I used to.
YOU ARE READING
With Broken Wings (2013)
Poetry"Take these broken wings and learn to fly again." This is my own personal story of overcoming my demons and my grief. I define my recovery. ι'ℓℓ вє уσυя ѕнσυℓ∂єя тσ cяу ση, уσυя яσcк ωнєη уσυ'яє ησт ѕтяσηg ι'ℓℓ вє уσυя нєαят ωнєη ιт'ѕ вяσкєη, му α...
