With Broken Wings (2013)

Confessions

Sometimes I wonder why it still hurts so much to remember you, and then I realize that grief doesn't have an expiry date. I don't have to pretend to be okay just because everyone else is. It's okay to feel like I've been torn apart and someone is slowly piecing me back together, like a collage of broken pieces.

Sometimes I feel bad for breaking my promises because when I broke them I didn't think twice about doing it and I should have. Maybe having one drink isn't a big deal but I didn't stop at one. I had three. Maybe that isn't such a big deal to most people but I promised to never drink and to me, breaking promises is a big deal.

Is it bad that I don't feel bad for drinking but that I feel guilty about not feeling bad when I was doing it? I guess that I always expected to break that one some day but now it feels like I'm going to break them all and I don't think that I could handle that.

I'm trying, I swear, I really am. But sometimes it gets hard and I think about doing things that you wouldn't be proud of me for. Heck, my life feels like a mish-mash of things you wouldn't be proud of me for. Thank you for loving me anyways. You didn't have to.

Thank you for always pushing me to do better, for reassuring me when I doubted myself and for showing me that I was capable of far more than I had ever thought. You taught me a lot of things and maybe I didn't realize them at the time, or wasn't grateful then, but I am now and I'm sorry that it has taken me this long to figure that out.

I miss you. So much that it hurts to think about. I hate finding old photos because they bring back memories that make me cry. Good memories, don't get me wrong, I just can't believe that you won't be here to make more like them. God, it's so much harder getting through all this without you than I ever thought it would be.

I don't even know what the fuck I'm doing anymore. I'm so lost it's not even funny. I need you more than ever and you can't be here. You never got to see me grow up, or the others, and knowing that you'll never be there to walk me down the aisle or look up at me and smile to show me that things will be okay, that makes this harder.

You were always like that light that kept me going when times were dark, you gave me hope when I had lost mine and now I don't know how to do this without you. I'm sorry for all of the things that I said and did over the years, if I could take them back I would do it in a heart beat. I never meant them you know, but I never got to tell you that either.

I'm afraid that this will just turn into another one of the broken promises I've left a trail of in my lifetime but I have to make it anyway. I have to try. I promise that I won't let this happen again. Next time I'll be there until the end. Family comes first no matter what, everything else be damned and I should have seen that before. I should have done more.

Exams can be re-taken, you can't be re-animated. So I'm sorry, for everything that I missed. I'm sorry for not being there now. I'm sorry for everything. I should have done more. I blame myself even though I know that you wouldn't want me to. I'm not perfect, I know. So one day I hope that I'll be strong enough to make you proud of who I turned out to be.