With Broken Wings (2013)

Feelings

I hate that you talk about him like he's been gone a while. The way you act as if it's no big deal. It broke my heart and you're going around treating him like a memory.

It drives me mad to see you so sad. It makes me cringe when you let those words slip so effortlessly. I can't even joke about death, my throat closes up at the topic of dying. Yet you can discuss what to do with his things, give them all away like they mean nothing.

It angers me the way you treat it so non-chalantly. I know it's easier to distance yourself and I know that this is breaking your heart but that's no excuse. We're all still here and were all still grieving. You know where to go when you need a shoulder to lean on.

I don't want to think about throwing all the clutter away, it may have no use but it's all we have left of him. I can't just tear him away from my heart so quickly. I need time to let it all sink in, to process the fact that he's not coming back.

I need some piece of him to hold onto, a means of keeping my head above the flood of emotion. I don't understand how you're not drowning because I gave up treading long ago. My limbs are tired and my chest aches, the vacant hole that contradicts my head.

I admire your strength in this time of confusion. Your iron will and determination. But I'm not you and I can't pass it off like it's all okay and I'm just fine. Truth is I don't even know how to feel, still taking in the fact that this is real.

Can't stand to think on it too long. Today my teacher brushed it off, talking about it as if it were nothing. In her defense she doesn't know about this and how it's hurt me but listening to that sure wasn't easy.

Just know that no matter the outcome you're not alone. You'll always have us to give you a hand up when you fall or company when you feel lonely. For us it's not do easy.

Friends don't seem to understand. Don't need pity or an ear to listen in sympathy. I don't need their condolences, their words and regrets. I just need someone to show me that they'll still be there when it's all said and done.

They won't leave when the grief hits. Won't blame themselves for my desertion and treat me like the enemy. They won't push me when I'm not ready or ask for more than I can give.

Sometimes I don't need concern and pressure. Just reassure me that you're there and I'll come back when I can stand up to the expectations.

For now I will remain vacant, too tired to deal with emotions that aren't mine and drama that changes in a dime. Can't stand to fix your problems because right now they're not as big as mine.

Stop saying that you understand, acting like I should be fine and nothing's changed. I don't have the patience to hear your displeasure, to care about what happened with who and why it should be my problem.

I can't even focus on the school work I'm doing, don't pile unnecessary extras on top of that. I don't want to talk, you don't need to tell me you'll listen. Sometimes I just need a silent hug and someone to stay without saying much.