With Broken Wings (2013)

I've Got a Confession to Make...

There are so many things that I never got to say to you. So many that I wish I had. So many things I didn't get to show you. I never really got to say a proper goodbye or write you out a heart you got to read and I never got to make you proud of me the way I wanted to, of what I had done and how I had lived my life.

I wish you had gotten to see me grow up, become an adult, get over my nerves and sing in front of the whole school for the first time, get into university and write me letters every now and then. 

I wish you had gotten to see Cam and Cole and Savannah and Mack become teenagers, grow into adults and graduate like you never got to see Kris, Khylie and I do either. I wish you'd be around for me to come to for advice like you used to.

I wish I could take back all of my mistakes and show you how much I've changed. A lot had changed since you left us, and not all of it for the better. But you knew that was going to happen and you prepared us the best that you could.

You weren't here to see me turn eighteen, or Kris either. I won't get to smile and hug you goodbye with the promise of another visit soon to come ever again. I won't get to talk to you about university or Skype you early on sunday mornings and talk to you in french on the weekends. You weren't there to call, excited and overjoyed, when I got into the programs I wanted. You weren't there with advice to help me choose.

You won't be here to watch as any of us walk down the aisle or wait for our bride to do so. You won't be there to smile and say congrats and embarrass us with a toast. You won't be able to guide us through the hardest stages of our lives or play cards with us late at night during the summer. You won't be here to start a game of checkers and a chat with on those nights we can't seem to get to sleep.

I won't be able to make fun of you for eating pb & onion sandwiches anymore, though I can't bring myself to poke at Kristopher for doing the same thing, or to ask you to help me fix something when it doesn't work. I won't get to show you my latest bit of woodshopping because you never made fun of me for enjoying building things with my hands, never laughed at me for wanting to learn how to use power tools. 

I'll always remember you zooming across the lawn at the cottage on the old John Deere or slaving away in the sun out in the vegetable garden and even though I know you won't be there I might still expect to find you waiting when I walk in the front door. I won't be able to find you eating the last piece of pie or annoyin the heck out of us when you think we're being too serious.

I won't ever be able to hear your teasing remarks again or see you in the front seat of your van, which grandma will end up selling because she hates driving it and the memories are hard to bear. I'll even miss listening to your favorite awful country-western songs all the way up to the cottage and back. I'll miss having you around to fix whatever is broken and even whatever is not but you seem to think needs fixing anyway.

I won't get to see your face light up as you smile or the way you looked so happy watching us banter and fool around. I'll miss you taking bad pictures of everything and  talking to everyone you came across while going somewhere. I'll even miss your voice on the phone on sunday mornings, too early to be awake, trying to get me to speak french with you while I pretended not to know what you were talking about. 

Your french was rusty to be sure but your accent never left. Now I'll have memories of uncle Murray snoring on your new chair, aunt Giselle painting her nails red, uncle Steve sitting on the sofa with a cup of coffee in hand, aunt Diane crying as she read my new favorite poem that I still don't know the name of or author at your funeral and Corrinn bawling her eyes out in the front row the whole time. Grandma's new plum suit that she looked fancy in, us all matching colours by accident, the way that aunt Leanne struggled to finish her speech and how everyone was in tears by the end of the ceremony. 

The church was packed though I don't remember half the people that came who seemed to know my name. La cimetière était plein aussi de gens je ne souvenait pas de mais qui semblait me savoir. I'll always remember turning around to find that even Kris and Cam had tears in their eyes, Mack was bawling before the service really began and how much I just wanted to take that look of pain off of everyone's faces and wipe away their tears instead.

It hasn't been easy going on without you, but you taught us to be strong and so we are trying. I'm grateful that you always instilled family first into all of us because we are all going to need to lean on each other to get through this. God sends us his brightest angels to teach us lessons we will never forget. Now we have to learn to get by without you, on our own. <3