Young Blood || Cimorelli

[16]

(A/N this continues after last chapter)        

        After Lisa left me there speechless, I ran to the bathroom. I looked at my own reflection. I was so disgusted with myself, with who I was and deeply in my heart I knew it wasn't my fault. I didn't aborted that baby, I didn't wanted to give him my innocence, I didn't wanted to have sex.... I was forced to it, I was forced to grow up in a very tragic way. I laid my back against the wall, and sat on the floor, hugging my knees. I heard a soft knock and the door slowly got opened. Lauren was standing there.

        'I won't kill myself, if that's what concerns you' I told her between sobs and she closed the door behind.

        'Christina told mom' she simply said and I buried my head between my knees. I couldn't stop crying, I couldn't think straight, I couldn't do anything but think and feel pain. I suddenly heard somebody calling my name, and I froze. 'You have to go, they sent me to look for you' she said, helping me to get up. I walked down the stairs as I felt my body tensing up and my hands shaking at the unexpected way this was happening. Mom was sitting in the living room with her hands on her temples.

        'Sit down' she ordered me once she saw me. All the grown ups were there and I felt tiny, I was after all the youngest one. Christina was looking at me in a way that I couldn't describe really well, and Lisa was there looking at me disappointed. I sighed, this was going to be a long conversation. Dad cleared his throat.

        'Is it true what Christina told us?' Dad asked. I nodded because that was the truth, I had lost a baby but not in the way Christina has understood. Dad shook his head.

        'I don't know what to do with you anymore. This is just too much. How could you just... abort a baby?, God sent you a baby and you killed him because of your irresponsibility and your lack of sense! I don't understand where did we go wrong, Spencer. What happened to you?' Mom yelled at me, and I looked at Lisa hoping that she could have my back but she didn't. I was alone in this.

        'It's not what you think' I tried to explain myself but mom didn't let me.

        'Not what I think? You had sexual relations at 16 and you got pregnant and because of that mistake... a baby died. I can't believe you' She said to me, as my sobs filled the room. She didn't knew half of the things she was saying and I was mad.

        'You don't know what you're talking about' I whispered between sobs.

        'Then explain to me, because I don't understand you. Spencer' She said, crossing her arms, expecting an explanation that I wasn't willing to share. She sighed. 'I can't keep looking at you, just... go to your room' She ordered me and I ran upstairs to my room. I wish I'd fallen asleep instantly but I couldn't, I just couldn't. My heart was in so much pain, unbearable pain that I couldn't do anything else than cry.

        I think I fell asleep crying because I woke up at night. I looked at my phone screen. 3:48am. I was tired, I was exhausted even though I had slept more than 12 hours. I jumped of my bunk and walked to the window. I opened it and sat at the edge, looking out. Maybe it was better for them to tag me as a slut, because even though they never pronounced it that way, I knew that I turned into that for them. A slut, a whore, a suicidal freak. I wasn't so sure about telling them the truth, after the way the treated me. After all, I wasn't planning on living anymore. I grabbed a notebook and a pen that were on the desk and I started to write.

        "Dear whoever reads this: It's me, Spencer. I'm sorry if you had to find this, if you had to read this. I'm sorry for your pathetic pain, because you've lost me. I feel bad for you, you're now in pain but it would never compared to the pain I was suffering. I'm sorry things had to end this way, I'm sorry you had to receive a lame letter with lame words from a lame person.Mom and dad, I'll gonna tell the words you want to hear. I forgive you, I really do because there's nothing else I could do, there's nothing left for me. I really hope you get to forgive yourself, and I know it'll be hard because you've just realized how fucked up things were. I wish I could forget, about everything but I can't and I'm not planning to throw to your faces all of your mistakes. I just wanted to be a normal child, but you treated me different from the beginning. I just wanted my mom to cuddle with me saying that everything will be okay, I just wanted to feel loved and all I felt was loneliness and depression. I kn-"