❛ GREY ❜ - seavey

twenty-two

alaska just nodded.

"i uh... i feel like if i tell you, it'll sound like i'm making up excuses for what i did." daniel answered softly.

"if it's the truth then why does that matter?" her voice was softer now, she had time to calm down. it had probably already been two hours now. she still didn't look up at him but she didn't snap either.

daniel ran a hand through his hair, "okay," he started, taking a breath, "after the end of the eight letter tour i told everyone that i... was okay." he said, finding it difficult to speak about this still, "but i wasn't."

alaska put her head up then, looking at daniel who was holding his head in his hands as he searched for the words.

"things with management were just so screwed up and i was scared to be weak and unwanted... people needed me- they still need me. and i wanted it to look like i was trying to make things better but i made the biggest mistake by trying to do that."

"which was?"

he put his head up, finally looking at her, "i pushed you away... and i lost you."

alaska's chest constricted at his words, and she buried her face back into her knees as to not have to look at him.

however , he continued, "A couple weeks back i had jordan watch me... she thinks i pushed you away subconsciously to cope with the guilt of being forced to break up with you," he scoffed, the reason truly sounding ridiculous. "i was just too scared to realize that i was hurting you."

"...what about after the break up... you looked completely fine," alaska hoped she didn't sound as fragile as she felt.

"i was in denial i guess... i pretended everything was still fine because if i didn't i'd break down... which is exactly what happened."

those words struck a chord within her as she realized how familiar they sounded.

pretending things were a certain way because she couldn't cope with the truth.

and she pretending that daniel was still the same person as before, when he wasn't, sounded pretty close.

and now daniel seavey was bringing her to tears again.

but he didn't have to know that as she kept her head buried into her knees.

"what happened that made you break down," she hoped he couldn't hear the very slight waver in her voice, as she felt a single tear roll down her nose.

"when cole asked you out and you said yes," he muttered, thinking back on the memory that made him sick to his stomach. "and i hate that that had to happen to bring me back to reality.... and i hate that i thought i could just walk back into your life after that happened, that wasn't fair to you... so i'm sorry about that first attempt at apologizing."

"what happened after you saw?"

daniel sighed, "i ran to the bathroom and got sick, then i went home," he paused, wondering how specific he was going to be with the events that had followed, ".... once i got to my house i changed into a pair of sweats and... y-your maroon hoodie. which i still have by the way, it just wasn't on me when you came by. anyway... after that i curled up in bed with your pink blanket and cried myself to sleep... when i woke up i remembered the um- the videos."

alaska stiffened, peaking her head up to look at him, but he was staring down at his feet as he was hunched over. and she noticed how he gestured to his bag when he brought up the videos.

"i watched and rewatched them the whole weekend, and i understood how much i lost by ignoring you for so long... and then on monday, jonah and corbyn told me you weren't over me yet and i dunno... it made me think i could win you back easily... which wasn't the case."