coolest person I've ever met - spencer reid/oc

Chapter Twenty-five: Maeve

Amy barely had time to recover. Before she could process the whole situation, something even worse than heartbreak happened. Amy had to watch the person she loved go through heartbreak. Spencer. 

While trying to solve Maeve's case, Amy did her best to put her personal involvement away. She wasn't gonna let her feelings get in the way of an innocent girl's life. Especially because... well, if Spencer loved her she really must've been someone special. But even in the perfect, calculated rationality she'd forced into her head, Amy inevitably broke every time she looked in Spencer's eyes. He was so worried. And as much as she hated the thought of him being with someone else, it was seeing him so scared that really made Amy afraid and concerned.

Amy had never expected Maeve to actually... 

She couldn't even think it.

Knowing what Spencer had just went through, and having witnessed the absurdity of it all destroyed her. And she couldn't even do anything. If she were to try and cheer him up it would've looked like she was trying to replace her. 

And she was irreplaceable.

She was so pretty and smart and humble and sweet and... perfect.

She couldn't bear to knock at his door, it would've hurt her too much. And Spencer would've been mad at her.

Amy kept tormenting herself with guilt: 

I did this, I caused this by wishing I could be the one with him. My envy caused her death. I could've helped more. I could've saved her. I could've saved Spencer.

Deep down she perfectly knew her thoughts were irrational, but that didn't matter, she thought those harmful thoughts anyway. 

Spencer probably hated her - actually, take out the probably - he DEFINETELY hated her. Knowing Spencer hated her was... god, it was exhausting. 

For the last few weeks she'd been crying herself to sleep almost every night. Every light turned off a step closer to the walls of despair she built around herself with her own hands. She loathed having to get under the covers and finding herself face to face with her mind. Her terrifying, accusing mind.

She was now reading a book to distract herself, it was a book of classical poems she'd found in her favorite bookstore. Yet she couldn't focus on the verses, her brain was too strong and it only led her to one thing and one thing only. And she couldn't stand it. The letters kept getting on top of each other. The lines were blurry, the spaces kept piling, until the pages were just a splash of black, white and grey chaos.

No, she wasn't gonna let her stupid overthinking mind ruin one of the things she loved to do. Not like this. Not reading.

The book felt like burning fire in her hands, she couldn't hold on to it. Stop. Stop. Stop. She threw it away, but it wasn't enough. She glanced at the books on her table, knowing she was gonna get another one and give in to the temptation of reading. She wanted all that paper to just disappear. It would've been so pretty to see all those books burning. Maybe her thoughts would've burned with them.

Suddenly a flash of emotion cursed through her and she swept away the books on the table in front of her. They flew to the ground, with a noise filled by Amy's anger and exasperation. She started to feel the tears pushing to come out but she forced them back in.

When she could focus again, she noticed one book was still on the table.

Hesitantly, she picked it up.

It was a copy of Little Women, signed.

Amy felt the urge to cry fade away and she traced the old cover with her fingers. It was the most beautiful book she'd ever held in her hands.

She opened it shyly and looked at the words on the paper without actually reading them.

She slowly brought the book to her face and smelled the pages. That old book smell filled her nostrils and brought her home.

She went back to the first page and noticed a small note written in pencil:

Ames

She knew what she had to do.

Not being there for him was selfish, and she finally realized it.

°°°°°°°°°°

[yes im kinda stealing penny's thing sorri]

Amy didn't have much faith: she knew all the others had tried reaching out to Spencer and none of them had been successful. She knew she wouldn't be any different, but she wanted to try.

Climbing up the steps was hard. Every centimeter she went higher she felt more and more sure he'd yell at her, or hurt her, or possibly kill her.

Finally, she found herself staring at the wooden door.

She knocked. She knocked again, no response.

As expected.

She gently put the basket on the doormat. But she knew she had come here for a reason, so she started speaking.

"Hey Spence, it's me, Amy, I'm here to... I just wanted to check in on you"

What was she gonna say? How could she approach this?

"I know you haven't been talking to... I know that nobody has heard from you, but I still wanted to come by"

No, no, no, apologize.

"Also, I wanted to... I wanted to apologize because I haven't stopped by earlier. And I know we hadn't been talking as much before, but I... I'm just sorry I've been a terrible friend, the... the worst friend"

This is too dramatic, make it less, less.

"Um... I brought you a basket, and before you say anything, yes, I know you practically collect these at this point, but I just wanted to contribute. There's some milk, some scrambled eggs, spinach, salmon and nuts, because... well... serotonin, and cookies, you know although they don't contain serotonin, I've found them to be pretty helpful"

He needs to know there's nothing wrong with him.

"Spence, it's okay that you don't want to talk to us, but we're here and we miss you, we're pretty lost without your statistics, but you don't have to come out... no-"

Jesus Amy, don't tell him he should stay in there forever.

"But, um... it'd be good if you came out... no! - god, even worse"

Why the hell are you pressuring him now?!

"Look... I'm kinda blabbering... all I want you to know is that... I'm sorry, for being a horrible friend, we all miss you and we're here for you whenever you're ready"

Amy wondered whether Spencer was actually listening on the other side of that door. Did he hate her? Did he hate her even more?

"I gotta go, you know, serial killers" she said with an awkward laugh.

"Take care"

She hesitated one second more. I just want you to forgive me. I just want you to know I don't care about anything else, I just need you to be okay.

But she didn't say those words at loud and she quietly left the building.

Please, just let him forgive me.