Perfect For Me

CHAPTER 6 (Liam Williams)

When the alarm on my phone finally went off, I had already been awake for least two hours. Some nights just were harder than others. Dreams, nightmares to be exact, kept me awake and sometimes I refused to fall asleep, too afraid to be tortured by my own mind all night long. This night had been one of these. When I had been too exhausted to stay awake any longer, it had been 2:15 a.m. Then I had started dreaming and woke up barely three hours later. I couldn't go to sleep after that. I already knew, I had to look terrible with dark bags under my eyes and ruffled hair because I had constantly pulled on it. Well, there wasn't much to do about it. 

Tired I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth and take my pills. I could already tell that today would be one of THESE days. Sometimes the pills just didn't help. My anxiety would be really bad, despite the medication and my thoughts would just always go back to my mom. 

I hated these days. They reminded me how weak I had been. How weak I still was. What other 18-years-old boy was pathetic enough to have to take pills to make it through the day? My thoughts made me angry. Angry at myself, for being this broken child. Angry at my mom for what she had done to me. For what she had done to Ethan. He didn't deserve growing up with this. He deserved a real, healthy family! And I was angry at my dad. Oh, I was angry at him the most! How dare he to just disappear out of our lives when things got a little complicated? How dare he leaving me alone?

I tried to shake these thoughts away. "At least I don't have to work today" I tried to think of the positive things. To be fair, I only worked on Saturdays so that thought wasn't a rare one but it still made everyday a bit easier, knowing I didn't have to cope with angry customers after school. 

Today was Wednesday. The only day in the week Betty couldn't look after Ethan long enough. That meant he had to be alone about 15-20 minutes before I would come home. That might not be horribly long but still... A four-years-old shouldn't be home alone at all! I felt the anger rise in me again and forced myself to calm down. I still had to make breakfast and lunch for Ethan and take him -and myself- to school.

When I arrived at the gates of west aterfield high, the mere thought of the crowded hallways was enough to make me feel uneasy. Before I could fall to deep in my own problems, Nate pulled me out of it. "Hey, why aren't you going inside? I bet everyone is waiting for you!" he said with a suggestive smirk. His face expression fell quickly once he had taken my state in. "Oh, it's one of those days" was the only thing he said before just standing there and waiting with me till most of the students would be in their classes. My best friend might not know exactly what was going on with me but he definitely was always there for me.

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How I had survived the first five hours before lunch was beyond me. Somehow, I had managed to stay calm. More or less at least. Sometimes it was so bad that I had to go to the bathroom up to five times because I got sick from all the people around me and my own thoughts. Yeah, being mewasn't fun. Not aways at least.

For today I only had lunch and then two hours of gym left. Lunch wouldn't be a problem. I knew Nate would sit outside with me and stop the other soccer players from asking nosy questions and making me uncomfortable. He really was a great friend. Sometimes I felt like I didn't deserve him. What did I have to offer? Sure, I had a pretty body but beyond that I was a wreck! I- 

"Stop that!" I looked at Nate quizzically. "You're doing it again. Putting yourself down. Not worshipping the great guy you are." He calmly answered my unspoken question. He somehow always knew what was going on in my head. Or at least almost always. He definitely was way better at reading me than I was at reading him. Oh god! I was sure I missed so many things about him! I was officially- "You're doing it again!" Nate said with a strict voice. I just sighed and continued picking at my food. At least there were only two hours left. Two hours I had together with Ryan Lander...How would I survive him?

Gym wasn't as bad as I had thought it would be. Sure, I did get a few questioning gazes when I remained at the edge of the field, swimming in  my thoughts instead of participating in the game of dodgeball like I normally would but overall it had been okay. Until now. The very crowded locker rooms slowly made me feel like I couldn't breathe. I was so concentrated on trying to not loose my mind that I hadn't noticed how Ryan had slipped up me. "How is it possible that you are team captain? The way you played today was lower  than low. Who would give a disappointment like you such an important job? I bet even your whole family is ashamed of you. I certainly would be." 

When he voiced all of this, all of the thoughts that kept running in my mind the whole day in his smug voice, something snapped in me. I barely could hear Nate shout a faint "No!" as if he had read my thoughts before I lunged forward and tackled my arch enemy to the ground. I started beating him up, letting out all of the pent-up anger in me. Doesn't sound nice but he didn't go easy on me either. It almost seemed as if he had needed a way to get out all of his frustration as much as I did. We continued giving each other bloody noses and bruised rips until Nate and Andy (I think?) pulled us away. I stared at Ryan, hate clear evident in my eyes and blood rushing through my ears so I couldn't hear what Nate was saying. When I did, I felt all blood rush out of my face. "Hey, what about Ethan? ", Shit! How could I have forgotten about my own brother?! I ignored every one else and started dressing in a rush. What if something happened to him? What if he had gone out of the flat and got run over by a car or... "Hey, calm down. I'm sure he is okay. Now go on, I'll drive you" I really didn't know what I had done to deserve a friend like Nathan.

I almost didn't get my key into my lock as my hands were shaking. Maybe I would be able to think rationally if it wouldn't be one of THESE days but because it was one of THESE days only the worst possible things rushed through my mind. I pushed the door open, not caring about any damage on the wall. "Lili!", a voice cried and soon after I had a little human stuck on my chest. I firmly put my arms around my baby brother and began to stroke his hair. "Shhh.... Everything is okay. I am here now, okay? I am so sorry for leaving you alone this long. I am so sorry. So, so so-so-sorry!" I didn't know when I had started crying as well but the day just had been too tough. Carefully I carried him to my bed, rocking his body from side to side until both of us fell asleep.