Perfect For Me

CHAPTER 16 (Ryan Lander)

Since the ball had been on a Saturday, it meant I had been able to sleep in today. At 11:30 I went downstairs to make some breakfast and found a piece of paper that told me mom and dad had taken Micah to look for a flat in Miami. Probably the city he was studying in. You see, I was almost as interested in my brother's life as he was in mine. Not at all.

I decided to use the time I had to write a new song. Song-writing always had helped me cope with my feelings and the sheer overwhelming things I felt definitely needed to be taken care of. And because I didn't really like playing my own songs in front of people, especially when they weren't even finished, now would be the perfect time. Even though I doubted that anyone in my family would listen to or even make a comment about my music...

I all but ran upstairs and took a seat at my piano. I know, most people prefer to write the lyrics first, but I liked it better the other way round. I often wasn't sure what to write about and just put my feelings in the melody. Usually that then told me what I was feeling. Maybe a bit strange but I didn't care. It helped and that was all that mattered.

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The sharp ringing of my phone disturbed the silence in my room. I had almost finished the melody of my song. It definitely would be a song where I would put in all my frustration. With a sigh I picked up my phone. Jeremy, who else? He had a feeling for when he would most disturb. "Hello?" I guess he heard the light irritation in my voice because he sounded apologetic in his next words. "I wanted to ask if you would like to meet me and Andy at the football field to fool around a bit, shoot a few goals. Just for fun..." To be honest the idea of moving my body after sitting still for the last two hours didn't sound too bad. I could write the lyrics tonight. Or tomorrow. "Sure. I'll be the in 15 minutes."

When I arrived at the field neither Andy nor Jeremy were there. Not a big surprise as I spontaneously had decided to jog there as a little warm-up. After five more minutes which I spent running around the field, Andy and Jeremy both arrived. They probably rode together as they didn't live far from each other. Something I was a little bit jealous about.

We quickly did our typical bro-handshakes before playing a round of rock-paper-scissors to decide who had to be the goalkeeper first. We all usually either played in the middle-field or defence. Yeah, I lost! Ugh! "Let's start!" Andy excitedly clapped his hands. Sure, HE wouldn't be shot by a hard football the next 30 minutes. I definitely have to bring up more respect towards our goalkeeper. I hated it after standing there for two minutes!

"Oh god, you should have seen your face!" Andy laughed. "Yeah! You looked so frightened and he hadn't even used his full force!" Jeremy chimed in. I pouted. It wasn't my fault! I just wasn't built for being a goalkeeper! "Aww. Don't look so offended. Who knew the star soccer player of west-Waterfield high school would be shit trying to defend the goal?" That caused Andy to laugh harder and Jeremy looked proud to be the one that made Andy cry in joy. Eventually I could help but start laughing too. When we had calmed down again, Andy started talking:

"By the way, what was up yesterday? I really thought you and Liam got along quite well over the past few weeks." "We did. But things change." I told them and shrugged. I wasn't even sure myself why we had started fighting again. Sure, our friendship if you want to call it that had been destroyed by our kiss, but I didn't think we would be back to being enemies this soon again. Okay, I had expected it. "But you don't like it. You like Liam." A small voice in my head told me. I ignored it.

"But things change? What the hell is that supposed to mean? What could change in one day?" Jeremy disturbed my thinking. "We kissed!" I blurted out. Shit! I put my hand in front of my mouth as if that could take the words back. I had not meant to say that! "You what?!" "I thought you said you weren't gay?" My friends said at the same time. 

"I am not gay. I don't like boys! And I most definitely DO NOT LIKE LIAM!" "Woah woah woah. No need to become this defensive. We never said you liked Liam. And there is nothing wrong with being gay!" Andy tried to me down. "I am not gay!" I repeated. Andy sighed. "You don't have to be gay to like boys. You could be bi. Or pan. Or demisexual. Or polysexual. Or just queer. Or anything else. Or none of the above. You don't have to label yourself if you don't want to. I'm also not saying that you are not straight. I'm just saying that I do not care who you like. -Except children. Or corpses." "Me too." Jeremy said. I grimaced and shuddered. "Okay, but I'm not gay." I once again said. "And I don't like boys." "That's okay. Just don't feel pressured by society to be straight because of your hobbies or the way you look." I just rolled my eyes. I would never admit it out loud, but his words were exactly what I needed. I'm not saying I like boys. I don't. But maybe it wouldn't be that bad if I did.