Perfect For Me

CHAPTER 25 (Ryan Lander)

"I promise I will stay this time." My own words from Tuesday were played in my head over and over again. Why had I said them if I couldn't keep the promise? "Because you believed them." A little voice in me whispered. It's true. I had believed them. And I still did. I wanted to stay. But suddenly my feelings had been so overwhelming, and I didn't know how to deal with them anymore. So, I had closed myself of and hadn't talked to or even looked at Liam all Wednesday. And on Thursday I had been so ashamed of the way I had acted the day before, I hadn't had the guts to talk to him after a day of ignoring him.

Well, it didn't get better after another day of ignoring Liam and now it was Saturday, and my promise still was the last thing I had said to him. Oh god, I was pathetic, wasn't I? How could someone admire me, like some of the younger students did, when I couldn't talk to my crush after we kissed because I was afraid of my own feelings?

I sighed. I knew I couldn't avoid Liam forever and I didn't want to actually, but I still hoped he wouldn't be at Nate's party today. That was rather unlikely, after all they were best friends, but I also knew Liam sometimes didn't have anyone to look after Ethan and therefore couldn't take part in a few things. Well, I wouldn't find out if I didn't go there at all. So, I put on another layer of deodorant and grabbed my Micah's keys. He decided to share his car with me. Can you imagine?

When I entered the house I was met with such a strong smell of alcohol, I almost went back out again. Holy shit, how could the other people breath in there? I mean, you probably get used to it and alcohol made everything better anyways.

I grabbed a beer went looking for my friends. I couldn't drink much because I had to drive home but I still found it amusing watching my friends being drunk. Andy always got even worse of a mother than he already was. It was so unbearable it became hilarious again!

"Hey, you up for some game of spin the bottle?" The words came out of Benn's mouth pretty slurred. "The other team, the cheerleaders and some other girls want to play. You coming?" We all -some more, some less enthusiastically- got up and followed him until we stood in a giant room in the basement, already filled with teenagers. But only half of them seemed to actually participate, the rest were just audience. Mostly taken people, like Jamie Oliver who had Katie, the cheer captain and his girlfriend sitting on his lap. Interestingly also Nathan sat next to a brunette girl. Hmmm, I'd never seen her before....

In the circle sat approximately 25 boys and girls, me being one of them. Next to me was a girl called Sarah. I had once had sex with her and now she didn't leave me alone. Annoying b*tch. Looking around I almost choked on my spit. Opposite to me sat a black-haired boy I knew all too well. Liam. I quickly adverted my eyes as I noticed him noticing my stare. Oh shit, tonight would be interesting.

"Ok, now the rules are:", a short girl I'd never in my life seen before took over. "You turn the bottle and have to make out with whoever the bottle lands on for 30 seconds. No matter the gender! Then it's the person's turn who's sitting on your left side. Everyone got it. Okay, you start!" She put the bottle in some random guy's hand and sat down.

The most rounds were boring. Sure, there were the one's who wouldn't stop after 30 seconds and had to be separated, but next to the occasional disgusted faces of some straight guys who had to kiss other boys, nothing interesting happened. And then it was Liam's turn. He looked me dead in the eyes while spinning the bottle. If he hoped it would land on me or exactly the opposite, I didn't know. But his look said: "Watch me!"

And I did. I watched him kiss a blond girl with a way too short skirt passionately. And I could swear he winked at me afterwards. Oh, I felt jealousy rise inside me. I had never felt it like that. It was like I was ready to tear the girl apart who dared to lay hands on MY Liam! MY Liam?

I excused myself. Something about going to the bathroom. Not like anyone would have paid attention anyways. Not even Liam. For some reason that hurt.

Of course I didn't go to the bathrooms but went outside instead. Maybe it would clear my head.

"What ya thinking about?" I knew this voice. And I stayed silent. I knew I was being unfair, but I couldn't help it. "Oh, you're angry? What are you angry at me for? What even gives YOU the right to be angry at ME?" Nothing. And I knew it. Hell, I knew it perfectly. Stil, I couldn't do anything against it. I was hella jealous. And I didn't even want to be.

"Oh, you're saying nothing to me? Like you did the whole week? Okay. Okay, be like that. I don't care. But know one thing: If you talk to me again, be prepared to be murdered by me. Because I fucking hate you! You pretend to like me, just to ignore me a day later. Why? It FUCKING hurts Ryan. You can't help it if you don't feel the same way I do, but then tell me and don't just ignore me like that!" Liam got quieter as he got to the end of his speech, looking as surprised about his little outburst as I felt. "But I do." "What?!" "I do. I do feel the same." I whispered. "Stop lying! I can't-" "I'm not lying.", I interrupted him. "Then why?! Why the hell did you ignore me? I know we don't have a relationship, but at least one word would be okay, wouldn't it? So, why Ryan, why?"

Liam had gotten louder again. "I don't know! Okay? I, the fuck, do not know why!!!", I was almost crying in frustration now. Or anger? At me or at him? I had no idea. "Not everyone has an as easy time as you did, accepting your sexuality. I sure as hell didn't! And I'm sorry you had to suffer through this as well, but I just couldn't help it. I was terrified of liking a boy. I still am, for fucks sake! I know it has not been fair to you and I am incredibly sorry for that. I really meant what I said on Thursday, I swear. But on Wednesday I suddenly was so scared again and didn't know what to do! Ignoring you wasn't the right thing to do, I am sorry. But I will try -and succeed- in being better. If you let me one more time...?" God, voicing your feelings was exhausting! But I also felt ten time lighter now. I really hoped Liam would give me one more chance. Because I really liked him!

He was silent for so long I already braced myself for a rejection. "Okay." "What?" "Okay. I will give you one more chance. But you really have to try. And talk to me. And we take it slow. Got it?" "Got it!" I was practically beaming. And then we hugged. There was nothing I would love to do more right now than kissing him. But being in the unsure situation we were in, it somehow just didn't feel right. But still I melted into the hug. He was two or three inches taller than me, so I was able to nuzzle my face perfectly into his neck. I just felt comfortable and...protected.