Perfect For Me

CHAPTER 21 (Liam Williams)

AN: short chapter
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To say I was miserable would have been an understatement. I just didn't know what to feel anymore. And what to do about it. I knew I had a crush on Ryan, maybe even more. And I really had thought he maybe was feeling something too but.... I blamed myself for making him uncomfortable, for causing him to run off. Again. Today was Tuesday. Yesterday school had been hell. We had avoided each other the best possible but still I had felt his stare on my back whole lunch period. A stare full of hate I bet...

To make my misery worse Betty said she couldn't look after Ethan next Sunday when I had to work. And Nate had already planned a date with mystery girl -who I, by the way still didn't know the name of - and I didn't want him to cancel it for me. Since nobody else knew about Ethan and I didn't have the money to put him into some day care thing I would have to take him with me and hope he would behave.

On top of THAT, my mind had decided today would be a good day to ignore the purpose of my pills and go crazy. That definitely did not help. Especially with my Ryan-problem.

AND I had to go to school today. Wasn't my life simply wonderful?

At least we had soccer practise today. Since we had mid-November it would be approximately three and a half months until the famous inner school soccer competition would occur. Apparently soon enough for coach to start taking training seriously. Like double-exercises-in-the-same-time serious. Somehow, he thought we would go easy on the other team just because we apparently "had bonded" over the homecoming thing. Well, at least now he didn't have to worry about too much bonding between the captains anymore...

The only positive thing about practise? It would busy my brain. Totally necessary today.

But first I would have to survive all my other classes. Not as easy as it sounds when your own thoughts constantly come back to tell you how disappointing you are. I never told people about the battles I fought in my head. The only response I would get was "Oh, smile a little bit. There's no need to be sad. Just think of something positive." Yeah thanks, because I haven't thought of that before. People really were ignorant of the topic mental illness. I got it. It was hard to understand if you didn't suffer yourself. But you didn't have to understand it. You just had to accept that it was at least as important and horrible as physical illness.

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"Hey, should I give you a lift? You look like you could need it today. Everything..." Nate tapped himself on the head. "alright?" I knew he really was asking me if I was mentally stable at the moment. I shook my head. I had no idea how I had gotten through all of my lessons today. I had to throw up two times because of something my brain made me remember or just because it maybe was my "coping mechanism"... I had no idea. But not having to go home by bus today definitely sounded good.

As soon as I had gotten to our apartment I went into my room and laid down on my bed. Betty had already brought Ethan over, he was currently playing with some dolls. The perfect opportunity for me to take a well needed nap.

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"Lili! Can we please go to the park Please?" I groggily opened my eyes. My baby brother had woken me up from my sleep. A look on my watch told me it was 6:30 p.m. Not really early but living in California did have its perks. Even in November the sun wouldn't go down until eight. "Uh, I suppose so..." I sighed. Maybe fresh air was exactly what I needed.

So I stood up and put on my jacket before helping Ethan to do so as well. My brother was jumping in joy and humming some children's song they had learned in kindergarten today. Maybe it was twinkle twinkle little star. But probably not. Even though I enjoyed listening to music I was shit remembering the titles.