Perfect For Me

CHAPTER 22 (Ryan Lander)

Coach's new training included jogging sessions between soccer training at school, and I had decided to run to the park tonight. By coincidence I had stumbled across a little clearing in the middle of the woods, only one old tree trunk was lying in the grass. I sat on it to take a quick break. I had chosen the park near the café Liam worked at. Well, not really chosen. More like my body had taken me here. Maybe my unconciousness had hoped to meet him? Oh, Liam.... I was pretty sure I felt something for him, despite having the same gender as I did. God, why did everything have to be so complicated?!

Right at the moment I wanted to continue jogging, a little boy stumbled out of the woods. I squinted my eyes. Somehow, he seemed familiar.... "Hi! Oh! You are the Ry-something boy!" he exclaimed excitedly. Now I knew! It was Ethan, Liam's brother. I was surprised Liam had let his little brother go around in the woods alone.

Suddenly something in Ethan's face changed. He didn't seem cheerful anymore at all, more like...angry? "You are a bad boy!" Wait what? "Why?!" I had never done anything bad to him and honestly, I had thought he liked me. "Yeah, you make my brother sad! And Lili shouldn't be sad!" "I what?" "Yes!", Ethan exclaimed. "You made him upset on Monday!" Monday? "Or maybe it was Sappaday?" Sappa-what? "I don't know the weekdays yet." Ethan confusedly said. Oh... that explains a lot!

But wait? Liam was upset after I had left? I felt guilt raise in me. "How do you know your brother was upset? Did he tell you?" "No." Ethan looked at the ground. "But I heard him cry. And he doesn't smile anymore. Not really at least!" Wow, never underestimate little children. They notice more than you may think.

Suddenly a small hand put itself around mine. "Let's go!" I was confused. "Go where?" Ethan looked at me as if I was dumb. "To Liam of course. So you can apologise!" "Oh no! We're not!" "We are!" "No!" "Yes!" Something told me that arguing further with the little twat was pointless. I just sighed in defeat and followed him. Might as well get over with it.

After walking not even fifty metres we heard quiet sobbing. It got louder the longer we walked and after a few more seconds I could see a tall black-haired boy, kneeling on the ground, shaking lightly and gasping for air. I let go of Ethan's hand and ran up to Liam. Shit, what happened?

I remembered him telling me that he suffered from panic attacks. This looked like almost one. Like he would get one if he stayed alone much longer.

"What happened?" "Ry-Ry-Ry-Ry..." I knelt down beside him. "Calm down. Everything will be okay...." Liam was hyperventilating so bad he was swaying a bit. "No! E-E-E-E-Ethan!" "Shhh, calm down. Ethan is right here." I turned his body so he would be able to see his little brother who looked at us with wide eyes. I motioned for Ethan to go play, he really shouldn't see his brother like this. Panic attacks looked terrifying. As if the person was suffocating.

"Now breath with me, okay? In..... Out..... In.... Out.... Ethan is okay. He just went to the playground. No need to worry." Liam seemed to calm down a bit. I hesitated. Being held had always helped me when I had had a panic attack. Carefully I put my arms around Liam's body. It did something to him, as started grabbing my shirt and clung onto my body like his life depended on it. To be fair, for him it probably felt like it did.

I forgot about our awkward kiss and started stoking his hair. "Everything will be okay." I mumbled to him over and over again until his body stopped shaking. I could feel his tears wet my shirt which probably stunk like sweat, but I didn't care.

I couldn't help but thinking that this felt right. Holding Liam. Hugging him, comforting him. Being there for him. Shit. I was in deep. How had I ever tried denying having feelings for Ryan? I knew when I would let him go, I would remember how I suppressed this side of me. I would be terrified again. But now I just felt...home.

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I was laying Ethan down in his bed. I hadn't let Liam walk home alone and judging by the way he collapsed on his bed as soon as he had opened the door, it had been the right decision.

"Ry.... Is Lili good again?" I smiled at the little boy. "Yes, tomorrow everything will be normal again." I turned around and was on my way out when his sleepy voice stopped me. "You still have to apologise to him! Okay?" "Okay..." I whispered. Maybe I should do it right away?

I stood in his door. Secretly admiring him and dreading the moment he would notice me. He was undeniably hot, even when he looked as exhausted as he did right now. His dark hair complemented his light blue eyes that currently looked at the ceiling. Or so I thought. "Like what you see?" I almost said yes. Almost. But I was glad he was able to joke again. "Thank you." He whispered. "I don't think I would have made it through it alone. Usually I am better at proventing panic attacks. Or at least make it look like I am okay... Did Ethan see me?" I just silently nodded my head. He sighed. "Come here." He demanded without turning his head. "Can you.... Can you stay here tonight? I don't care what has happened on Saturday, we can talk another time. I just don't think I can sleep if I have to be alone in here tonight."

He was talking so quietly, I wasn't sure if I had heard him right. Nevertheless I nodded. He scooted over to give me space to lie next to him. I nervously exhaled and put my shirt over my head. No matter how awkward this may be, I just couldn't sleep fully dressed. And since taking of my sweatpants definitely wasn't an option, the shirt had to go.

I carefully crawled under the cover and we looked up at his dark ceiling together. I heard him inhaling nervously. "Can...can you maybe...hold me?" He asked in an unsure voice. Could I? Sure. But did I want it? After a few seconds I opened my mouth. "Okay" I breathed out and gestured him to come over. He gently positioned his head on my shoulder. He lightly put his arm around my waist as I did the same to him.

I deeply exhaled. It felt good. Having him in my arms. Today had showed me that damn, I liked him. A lot. I liked a boy. And somehow, I wasn't as freaked out by the thought as I usually was, and I fell asleep with a smile on my lips.