Perfect For Me

CHAPTER 20 (Ryan Lander)

Maybe it wasn't always bad to have parents who didn't care about you. At least this way no one pressured me to come out of my room all Sunday. Or out of my bed for that matter....

I just couldn't bring myself to get up and function. I knew for many people sexuality wasn't a big thing. And I knew for many people it was easy, figuring out what and who they liked at a young age.. But for me it wasn't. I couldn't even say why exactly it was so hard for me to accept that part of me. I knew I liked boys. Deep down I probably always had known, claiming the affection I felt towards them as jealousy or simple admiration. And I knew I couldn't change that part of me. But I wanted to. I couldn't even tell what was so bad about it, but I didn't want it!

A silent tear ran down my cheek. I frustratedly wiped it away. It didn't stop. More and more tears continued to roll down my face and I got more and more worked up over it. Up to the point I didn't even know anymore if I was crying because of my feelings towards boys, Liam or because of the frustration that I couldn't stop crying. Dramatic much, wasn't I?

Suddenly my anger took over. Anger directed at Liam for making me feel that way. For being able to just accept his sexuality. I was angry for letting stereotypes cloud my mind although I knew they weren't true. I was angry because I cried, just like one of those gay stereotypes. I was angry that I felt something towards boys. But mostly I was angry at myself for not being able to accept myself.

Needing to let out all of it, I grabbed a pillow and put it over my mouth. And screamed. I screamed all of my feelings into that pillow until my tears had dried up and my throat felt itchy and hurt. Then I felt embarrassed for my little outburst. Okay, more like my very big outburst... But I also felt better. Like things would turn out okay eventually.

And I noticed I had to cancel the friendship between me and Liam. And I needed to apologise to him. Maybe not tomorrow. Maybe the day after tomorrow. Or the day after that. But I would. "Before the end of the week.", I promised myself.

Then I decided to get out of bed after all. Even if it was six o'clock already. Firstly I went down in the kitchen to get food. Skipping breakfast and lunch, I felt like I could eat a whole cow! I settled on pasta. Easy to make and most important of all, it didn't take long. With my full plate I sat down at the kitchen table and just stared into space. "Erm...Are you...okay?" I almost choked on my food. "W-What?" I croaked out. Micah was now sitting opposite to me. "Yeah, ...well, I heard you...erm let out your frustration? Anyways I wanted to ask if everything is alright?" Wow. That was definitely a first. Not that I often screamed into my pillows, but I still was surprised someone cared to question it. "Sure. Why do you care?" I pushed my plate away, my appetite definitely was gone.

My big brother uncomfortably rubbed his neck. "Look.... I know I haven't been the best brother. Heck, let's face it, I was shit. But I nevertheless care about you. Even if I may not have been showing it lately. But I really want to change that. And I will talk to mom and dad too. It may not look like it to you, but they're not bad parents." I unbelievingly shook my head. "Yeah, maybe to you." I muttered under my breath. Micah sighed. "I'm really sorry. I will talk to them, I promise. Now, what's having you so upset?" I just stared at him. "Do you really think I will just tell you my problems after you IGNORED me for 18 years?!" I took a deep breath. "Look, I appreciate your effort if you really mean it. But let me be honest: I will not start trusting you and opening up because you suddenly made up your mind. I am willing to try if you are willing to do so as well. But let me tell you. Earning my trust will be a hell lot of work for you."

With this I stood up. I couldn't believe it. Today just was too much of an emotional rollercoaster for me. In my room I sat on my desk and began writing the lyrics to the song I started writing a few days -weeks? - ago. It definitely would be full of frustration. The only question: Who was it directed at? Liam, my family or myself?