Perfect For Me

CHAPTER 40 (Liam Williams)

Later the same day I laid in bed and thought about what I had said. I meant it. I really thought I loved him. But I was scared that I was wrong. That I would discover along the way that he wasn't my significant other, like I was currently thinking he was. But could you ever know? Could you ever know if you were in love? Like there is no definition of love. Of course we all have the descriptions of what other people think love is, but I will never KNOW what love is. Even if I think I am in love I can never surely tell because there always could come another person who'd make me feel something new, something stronger which would then be my new definition of love. So technically I can never know if I am in love because I will never KNOW WHAT LOVE IS.

Oops, that was not where I wanted to go with my thoughts tonight. That got quite deep quite fast. So I was not one step further in my questioning whether I did or did not love Ryan. Rather the opposite. I felt even more unsure than at the beginning of the night. Great.

But..... What if I never will know if the love I currently feel for a person is the most amount of love I can feel? Does it mean that I don't feel love at that moment at all? No. I knew I liked Ryan more than a friend. Definitely. And he also was more than a crush. But I would never be able to tell if he was my soulmate. Not until after my death at least. So, to be happy I just had to accept that I felt way more for him than I ever had for anyone else. And right now the amount of feelings in me when I thought of Ryan or did something with him.... I had no other words than love for then. Because I may not know if he was the love of my life but I definitely knew that he was the love of my current moment. And that was enough for me. Everything else were things I would never know. I couldn't foresee the future. So, yes. I did love Ryan Lander.

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I grumbled as I turned around. Something was constantly pulling on my duvet. I had tried to pull hard enough on my end of it to make it stop on the other one, but it hadn't helped. So I had no choice but open my eyes. And quickly shut them close again. Someone had turned on the lights in my room and somehow I hadn't noticed in my sleepy state of mind. After another few seconds I tried again. This time I was more successful. Slowly my eyes accustomed to the brightness in my room and started to focus. On a small figure, standing there in a blue and pink striped pyjama, a corner of my duvet in little hands and the head leant to the side adorably. Ethan. His dark hair was still tousled, but his eyes looked wide awake. I groaned again. "What time is it?" Ethan lent his head to the other side. "Eleven."

"Eleven?!" Shit! Ryan and I had agreed on going for a walk (jogging wasn't really possible considering we had to take my brother with me) and then grab breakfast afterwards at ten today. Groggily I continued sitting up. "Oh, shi-", I didn't finish my curse, thinking of my innocent brother standing next to me. My GIGGLING innocent brother. Yeah, my misery really was very funny! "Hihi, you're so dumb! I can't even read the clock yet dummy!"

Oh. Seriously?! I groaned another time. Ethan laughed more. I didn't find it very funny at all. Lifting my arm in front of my face to read the watch I yawned. 8:17. I rubbed my eyes, closed them and let myself fall back again. "There is no reason for me to be awake yet.", I whined. "There is!", Ethan argued. "I am hungry!" "That's not a good reason. Go make yourself something."

Five minutes later it was suspiciously silent in our flat. I hadn't thought Ethan would take my statement seriously. He was four. The kitchen would be a total mess if he made his own breakfast. Which he probably did. Ugh.

So I stood up and took a trip to the bathroom. I would look after the kitchen after I would have relieved myself.

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"And so there was milk all over the table, or rather the kitchen island- well you know what our kitchen looks like- and on the floor too! I am so lucky we don't wooden flooring because then I would never be able to get that milk-smell away. But yeah, that's how I spent my entire morning cleaning our kitchen while the little mister over there-", I sent a strict look at Ethan who was walking a few feet before of us and humming some tune. "was casually watching TV."

Ethan, Ryan and I were currently walking towards some bakery which had "the best croissants in town" as Ryan claimed. Apparently, we only had to cross one more street before we would see it. It was Thursday morning, and many people used the holidays to go and get some fancy breakfast. Therefore the streets were pretty packed.

Ryan chuckled at my story. "Well you have to admit: It kinda was your fault too." "Yes!", Ethan chimed in. What? "How could that be my fault? I hadn't been the one to- Oh!" I interrupted myself. I could see a big colourful sign saying "bakery". God, was I hungry! Excitedly I grabbed Ryan by the hand and started to pull him towards it. But he withdrew his hand as if he had been burned. I looked at him. "What?" He looked uncomfortable. "Nothing. It's just.... There are people here." I couldn't believe it. "Seriously? You are that ashamed of me, of yourself that you can't even stand holding my hand for like two seconds, because I want to show you something? Just like normal hetero friends do too?" He started to shake his hand and open his mouth but I wouldn't let him. "Come on Ethan. If Ryan is too good for us, we will go by ourselves. Or are you ashamed of me too?!"

"Hey! Liam! Wait!", Ryan called after me before I could get really far. I really tried to understand where he was coming from. Discovering a part of yourself, especially one like your sexuality which did kinda have quite a big part in what your life looked like, was a bit overwhelming. And just because I was confident enough to show everyone my real self, didn't mean everyone else was too. Still it hurt a bit not being able to do anything even though no one from our school was near us.

Sighing I turned around. "Look Liam, I'm sorry. I am not ashamed of you. Really. I just need some time to get used to this part of my self. And I'm sorry that this includes you... Just... I'm sorry?" He gave me big puppy eyes I couldn't resist. I tried to suppress the smile that wanted to stretch over my face. "Okay. Now come, I AM HUNGRY! And as an apology you are paying!" Ryan laughed and started jogging towards the bakery. "Ok, then come on loser!"