Perfect For Me

CHAPTER 35 (Liam Williams)

TW!!!!!

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"Nightmares..."

Ryan put his hand around my and rubbed my shoulder. "Wanna tell me what about?", he asked before putting a kiss on my forehead. I hesitated. Should I tell him? I shook my head. "No..." "Okay. We can just sit here for a bit longer if you want to?" He placed his head atop of mine. Shit, what had I done to deserve such an understanding human?

"Did you know I have to take meds?", I decided to speak up after a few minutes after all. I could feel him shaking his head against mine. With a deep breath I continued: "I got the pills described half a year ago from my therapist. I refused to go there any longer, it took too much time from me. So, the doctor gave me these so I would survive daily life....But they often don't work during night-time and I get nightmares." I could feel how Ryan waited for me to continue. When I didn't, he spoke up. "Not that you have to tell me, but why did you go to a therapist in the first place?" Should I tell him? Maybe, as my boyfriend he deserved to know.

"Can you remember that I told you I didn't have parents? Obviously, it hasn't always been this way and I had a loving family when I was a child. My dad showed me everything he thought I needed to know and taught me how to play soccer. My mum was very sweet and was always incredibly proud of me." I smiled at the childhood memories. "I was a happy child. Until I turned eleven. One day after my birthday, my dad ran away. Like, he was just gone in the morning. Didn't say anything or left a note, no. He just disappeared." My voice sounded bitter and cold, even in my own ears. I think I never really forgave my father for putting me my shitty life after he left. " I was heartbroken, and so was my mom. At first it wasn't that bad, I really thought we could function just the two of us, but I was wrong. Oh, how wrong I was..." "You don't have to tell me, you know?" Ryan used my short pause to speak up. But I shook my head. I was afraid I would lose courage if I stopped talking now.

"Almost a year had passed, and I was slowly beginning to accept the fact that my dad had just abandoned me. My mum didn't. She started drinking. Not much at first, just a glass of wine each evening but it got worse and worse. A bottle of wine each evening up to three to four bottles a day. She was constantly drunk and didn't really know what she was doing anymore. One evening she-she- she hit me. We've had an argument about something and suddenly she hit me. I really wanted to believe it was a one-time mistake, but it wasn't. She started taking out her frustration on me. I had to give coach a different excuse to why I couldn't play every week, because I was too embarrassed to let the other boys see my bruises and scars in the locker rooms.... And then, two years after being scared to go home each day, things finally started to look better. My mum had gotten to know a new man, and I was willing to welcome him as my stepdad, as long as the daily beating would stop. But then... mum got pregnant." Out of the corner of my eye I could see the silent tears running down Ryan's cheeks. He pulled me closer to him and mumbled: "I'm so sorry!" "I-I'm not done yet.", I whispered.

"So, mum got pregnant. She didn't tell the anyone, but she stopped drinking and everything so the baby would be healthy. I didn't really know what was going on, but I was happy that finally everything would be normal again. Or so I thought. As soon as the man saw the baby on the day she got out of hospital, he ran off. That's when things got really complicated. Mom started drinking again, so I had to look after Ethan. I was fourteen and had to raise a baby! On top of that my mum started hitting me again, blaming the loss of her men on me. One day, beating wasn't enough... She-she-she started to rape me, Ryan. Her own son! I was broken on the inside by that time. In school I didn't let anyone know, not even Nate and as soon as I got home, I would take Ethan and hide with him in our closet, the only thing you could lock in the whole house. She continued to mentally, physically and sexually assault me for four years... One day I found her in the kitchen. Dead. I took my things and Ethan and moved in our apartment. My grandparents left me some money, so I was lucky. I tried therapy, noticing people and small spaces freaked me out. Like REALLY freaked me out. But then I got the pills. And found a job and Betty. I think Ethan can't even remember his life with our mother, but I can. I won't ever forget. She made my life a living hell. Still does. I can't function without dose damn pills. I won't be able to have sex for years because it reminds me of how she-"

I stopped myself. I hated her. Sobs started to make their way out of my mouth and caused Ryan to hold me even tighter. "I am so sorry! I am so sorry Liam. You don't deserve this! You are so strong, okay?" I could even tell who was shaking worse, me or Ryan. I melted into his arms and just let all of my feelings go. I cried for what felt like hours until my sobs finally died down. Ryan tilted up my head carefully and gave me a soft kiss. "Let's go inside."