Greenelan~The Journey

~Alyssa~

I'm so nervous. I'm sitting here in the cafeteria waiting for Emma to show up...I'm not even sure she's going to. Which would be totally fair because I didn't show up for her. I feel really crappy and I've been trying to collect my thoughts, so I know what to say. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Emma walking towards me.

"Hi." I say awkwardly. "Thanks for meeting me. I was afraid you wouldn't co-

"What do you want?" Emma cuts me off.

"I'm sorry." I say nervously.

Emma looks at me with a twinge of frustration.

"What are you sorry for exactly?" Emma says.

"I'm sorry about what happened." I say quietly.

"You're not going to explain yourself?" Emma says harshly.

"What?" I say in a confused tone.

"I'm sorry about what happened." Emma says in a mocking tone. "Exactly what happened Alyssa?"

"I-

"You weren't there for me." Emma says cutting me off. "Where you in on it?"

"Emma. C'mon you know me." I say desperately.

"Do I?" Emma asks. "What is this relationship? What are we?"

"You know what we are." I say while grabbing Emma's hand.

"No I don't." Emma says while quickly pulling her hand away. "Don't say that I'm your girlfriend...because right now I feel more like a background character to you."

I can feel guilt start creeping in on me.

"Do you know what it was like standing there in that stupid dress alone in the gym, knowing that people got together and planned the best way to hurt me?" Emma says.

"That must have been awful." I say quietly.

"It was. But the worst part...the worst part is that you didn't come. Even though you knew what happened. You didn't come and try and hold my hand or take me out of there." Emma says with tears forming in her eyes.

"I couldn't okay." I say in an effort to defend myself.

"Why?" Emma asks desperately.

"You know what my mother is like. She's a complete and total control freak." I say.

"That's your excuse?" Emma asks.

"The hair has to be perfect. The A's have to be straight. You have to join the debate club on that there's no debate. You'll have bible camp each summer to keep you pure and clean. Endless rules apply when you're Alyssa Greene." I say.

I feel stupid referring to myself in 3rd person, but I need to get my point across. Or at least try.

"Trophies have to be first place. Ribbons have to be blue. There's always some competition or hoops for jumping through. Your Mom's made sacrifices so win homecoming queen. 'Cause it's do or die when you're Alyssa Greene." I say.

I grab my stuff and start walking and Emma gets up and follows me.

"And you wish there was a world where you were simply free to live. And when people criticize you, you have no more shits to give. And in this other life time when you tell yourself be brave you won't cave. That's the one thing I truly crave." I say.

I can see Emma's facial expression soften and she holds her hand out. I grab her hand desperately and give her a look of sincerity.

"But your feelings have to be phony. Your weight has to be tracked. If you don't like shaking pom poms you better learn to act. Just have everything perfected by time you reach 18. Don't ask how or why when you're Alyssa Greene." I say.

"Improve all of your strong points and hide things that you lack. 'Cause mom's convinced if your perfect, your father might come back." I say with tears forming. "You're not yourself. You're not what she wants you're someone in between. You're whole life's a lie when you're Alyssa Greene."

Emma lets go of my hand and turns to look at me.

"I'm gonna go public and tell my story. Will you do it with me?" Emma asks.

Alyssa you know you want to. Not yet.

"I want to, but I-

"Wanting to isn't enough." Emma cuts me off. "I believe you have feelings for me...but I can't do this anymore. It hurts too much."

I can feel my heart start to shatter.

"Are...are you breaking up with me?" I ask sadly.

"Yeah." Emma says sadly. "Bye."

Emma walks away from me just as the bell rings for school.

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I make it through the school day holding in most of my tears. I get home and see that my Mom is isn't home and I sprint to my room. I close the door behind me and I start bawling.

Alyssa you should've just said that you were going to do it with her. She already feels alone enough as it is and you had to go and make it worse.

I don't know what to feel. Sadness because I just lost someone I love. Or anger towards myself because I messed up. Emma probably hates me at this point. I realize something.

During all of this controversy...she never outed me. She practically took the fall for the prom cancellation. Even when I let her down...she could've outed me for revenge. She was angry with me and she gave me another chance to be by her side and I...am the stupidest person ever. Emma is the best thing that's ever happened to me and probably will be the ONLY best that happens to me...and I let her walk away.

"Alyssa?" I hear my Mom say as she knocks on my door. "Are you okay? I hear sniffling."

I quickly wipe my tears and run to my bathroom and start splashing water on my face.

"Alyssa, I'm coming in." my Mom says.

I give up on trying to get rid of the evidence of my tears.

"Honey, why are you crying?" my Mom asks.

"Just a stressful day at school." I say quietly.

"Do you want to tell me about it?" my Mom asks.

"Not really." I say wiping a tear away.

"Well, if you want to talk about it...I'll be downstairs." my Mom says while leaving my room.

I close my door and let out a silent sob.

What do I do?

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a/n: i enjoyed writing this bc again we never know how alyssa feels post breakup okay so i am officially writing a sequel book btw thank you for 977 reads❤️