apologies & regrets | bnha (bkdk)

~ 18 ~

A/N: ooh what do we have here? exactly~ a new chapter~~ UwU
enjoy, yall :D

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After the movie had ended, Izuku was one of the first to leave the room.
He was still trying- and possibly failing- not to get attached to any of his current classmates. He had the thought that spending more time than necessary with any of them would only end up causing more problems for him in the future.

So he'd really rather avoid that.

It wasn't that he disliked them, well most of them, but he really couldn't handle it if he actually did end up getting attached to them. He knew he wouldn't be able to deal with the guilt then. But has that ever stopped him in the past? Well, he hadn't felt guilty about the last ones, so that might not be a particularly fair comparison.

He shrugged off those thoughts.

After he'd left the common room, he immediately rushed up the stairs to his dorm room as fast as he could. He'd attempted to sleep, but when it didn't work out after a few minutes, he'd already given up.

He decided that he needed some fresh air to calm his mind a little. And so, where did he decide to go? He went up the stairs towards the rooftop. Again, since he'd hurried up the stairs earlier, he arrived pretty quickly.

The guilt was really starting to get to him. Sure, he tried to get his mind off this topic, but when had something like that ever worked?

He felt incompetent, like he should do better. Because, really, who the hell can't even control their own thoughts? Izuku didn't know how to feel.

He'd begun to like some of these students in this class. This was something that had never happened to him in the past. They were- or at least seemed to be- just so nice, and kind— Just what he'd always expected hero students, and future Pro-Heroes to be like, when he was younger at least. He missed those days, he really did. He'd be lying if he claimed that that wasn't the case.

It felt weird to him, to have such nice classmates. Sure, not all of them seemed to care that much about his presence, but that didn't bother him. Not really.

He'd gone up to the rooftop a while ago. He was cold, he'd forgotten to take a jacket. The nightly breeze, brushing through his hair, really made him feel at ease. The whole situation made him feel more peaceful than he'd ever felt in his life. It was cathartic to him in the most calm ways possible.

His hands were resting on the cold, metal railing. It really was a chilly night. He was staring at the night sky, observing the stars. It was somewhat of a bittersweet feeling.

In the past, the only time he'd been on the rooftop of a high building, alone, at night, really didn't end well for him.

It's true that he didn't die in that incident two years ago, but it's also true that he had every intention to end his miserable life. He indeed did follow Katsuki's advice though, he did jump off the roof of their middle school building. He just didn't die then.

And if he was completely honest, he really had absolutely no idea why.

He couldn't remember exactly what happened afterwards. All he knew was that the painful impact with the floor never came, and that he woke up sometime later in a room he didn't recognize.

At first, he'd been a little scared actually, since he had no idea where he was or what precisely had happened. But the people who'd saved him apparently, they'd made him feel somewhat at ease. He couldn't quite describe it, but he wasn't sure whether that was even necessary.

When he'd woken up in that strange place, around those strange people, who he now trusted with his life, it'd already been two weeks since he jumped, and one week since his funeral.

At least that's what he was told. He didn't want to believe it. Of course not. Who'd want to believe something like that? Well, if there's anyone like that out there, that person was certainly not Izuku.

It understandably took him quite a while to be able to come to terms with the fact that he'd never be able to return to his old life. He could barely handle the fact that everyone he'd ever known thought he was dead, when obviously, he wasn't. But there was nothing he could do about it either. If he had just showed up at his old home, his mother'd probably think someone was just messing with her, and that'd be downright cruel. Izuku didn't want to do that- so, he didn't.

And who else should he have gone to? As far as Izuku had known then, there wasn't really anyone in his life other than her who would've even missed him. So eventually, he just accepted that he'd have to completely psychologically, and emotionally detach himself from his past.

It was certainly difficult for him. But he managed. He had to.

And his 'new' friends- well, they couldn't help. They didn't seem to try anyway in that regard, but that wasn't the point. There's nothing they could've done, right? But it was none of their business anyway. It wasn't their fault, right? Right? Izuku didn't like to doubt his friends.

In fact, he rather felt like he should be grateful. They're the ones who saved his life. If it wasn't for them, he'd be long dead anyway.

He shouldn't be sad about what could've been, when it was him who wanted to throw that life away in the first place. But then again, if it hadn't been for a certain blonde, he would've likely never gotten to the point of wanting to end it all.

And even if they could've helped, he wouldn't have expected them to. They all had their own problems to deal with. And then again, they'd already saved his life, what more was there to ask for?

Izuku sighed. He stepped back a bit from the railing, trying not to get lost in his thoughts, and memories like he just now had, again.

Of course, he was happy that he'd been somehow saved back then, but nonetheless- just from the bits and pieces he knew about what had happened, it all didn't really add up. He didn't want to be suspicious of his friends though. They'd done so much for him. Right? Of course.

His hands slipped from the cold railing, he had no reason to keep holding onto it anymore. He loved the peace, and quiet he could enjoy there on that rooftop. It was relaxing, almost.

If only his thoughts didn't plague him as much as they did.

Suddenly, Izuku was startled when he heard the door behind him opening. He immediately spun around, eyes wide.