apologies & regrets | bnha (bkdk)

~ 8 ~

A/N: i hope y'all are enjoying the story so far!! :D this chapter was v v fun to write~ hopefully it'll be just as fun to read haha :3 and we're gonna ignore that this is posted early again- lol

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He didn't find out anything new throughout the entire weekend.

It was Monday. Finally? Already? He wasn't sure.

Katsuki had barely managed to get out of bed that morning. He really tried hard, but he just couldn't muster up the energy to attend class.

He knew he had to go. But he didn't have the energy.

He was aware that the new student was going to arrive that day, and just the thought of having to interact with the new guy exhausted him. He didn't care about that new student. He didn't want to get to know him, and he especially didn't want to befriend him, like the rest of the class.

He especially didn't want to meet that guy today, it was the anniversary of Izuku's death afterall. He couldn't fucking do it, even if he wanted to, he just couldn't. Didn't have the energy, and especially didn't dare to disrespect Izuku like that. He wasn't even sure why, but he felt like it'd be terribly disrectful to got to class on that day. It just did, he didn't know why either.

And also, he couldn't be bothered, even if Izuku had died at a completely different time, and date. He just couldn't make himself go.

He sighed loudly. He couldn't just skip school, because he didn't feel like putting in that much effort, could he? Well, theoretically, no one would stop him, probably. He'd get in trouble afterwards, sure, but at least he'd have time to prepare before being bombarded with that new fucking extra, and having to face his classmates again.

Although, maybe they'd be distracted by the new student. In Katsuki's opinion, that was the only even slightly positive aspect of the situation. But what if that new extra would be curious too? He'd just have another person drowning him in questions, which he couldn't, or at least didn't want to answer.

He pulled his blanket over his head, and turned onto his side. He still had roughly two hours before class would even start. Maybe he'd be able to find something to motivate himself.. Maybe it'd give him some energy to visit Izuku? Or maybe it'd make him feel worse, because it'd remind him of everything he's ever done wrong in his life. He didn't really know.

He threw the blanket off his bed, and stared at the ceiling, the early morning light being the only thing illuminationg his room. He somehow managed to sit up, and stared at his window. The blinds were still closed.

Slowly, he got up, and trotted over to his window. He tiredly opened the blinds, and cracked the window open a bit to let in some cold, fresh air. He took a few deep breaths, before sitting down at his desk. He looked through the window, and examined the sunrise.

It was pretty. Made him feel at ease a bit, like he got a break from life while looking at it. He exhaled slowly. His tired eyes still barely held any energy, but it still felt soothing to him, cathartic almost.

He closed his eyes for a moment, and just thought. He was still trying to decide whether or not he should attend class at all that day.

He looked out the window again. It was a truly beautiful sight, the kind that made him want to think about nothing at all, yet he still had so much on his mind. He took a few steps back, and let himself drop onto his desk chair, still looking out the window. It was a weirdly peaceful sight. The birds chirping as background noise, the siluettes of the trees contrasting against the sunrise— It all painted such a beautiful picture. Katsuki wished he'd be able to fully appreciate it.

Eventually, he made up his mind. He wasn't going to class today. And really, who's surprised? He was still sitting at his desk, thinking about what he'd do instead. He almost wanted to keep trying to figure out who wrote the note, but realistically he knew he wouldn't be able to find out anything new, especially not on his own. He didn't want to give up, but it seemed like the only option. He contemplated visiting Izuku, again, but he couldn't even bring himself to do that.

Everything felt like a blur, and Katsuki lacked the energy to do anything. He kept staring out the window, but he wasn't looking at the scenery anymore. He wasn't really looking at anything.

He sighed. He knew he had to get himself together. It didn't matter how depressed he felt, or how much he was drowning in guilt, he had to find a way to get back on track. He'd never make it as a hero if he didn't change anything. But then again, he wasn't even sure if he still wanted to become a hero. Obviously, he'd never, not in a million years, want to become a villain, but he still didn't currently feel worthy of becoming a hero. He wasn't sure what to think, what to feel.

He wanted to give up, but he also didn't— He'd never been the kind of person to just give up.

He really was at a loss. But he hadn't expected anything else on the anniversary of Izuku's suicide.

He was shaking. He really couldn't cope. His breaths were short, he felt dizzy, his heart was racing- Long story short, he wasn't doing well. Not at all, in fact. He hadn't even noticed the tears rolling down his cheeks.

That was when he decided what to do for the day.