apologies & regrets | bnha (bkdk)

~ 5 ~

A/N: because i'm in the mood to post something right now for pretty much no reason lol, here's another chapter UwU :3 btw- i mentioned how i also posted/am posting this fic on ao3, and over there almost all my a/n's are just apologies cuz the chapter's late lol. it's like really funny to me how different it is here vs there tbh xD anywaY- i hope y'all like this chapter too!! :3

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He raced up the stairs, slammed his door shut, and fell to the ground inside his room. He hid his face in his arms, hugging his knees. He didn't cry. He didn't do anything at all.

He sat there for a while, almost disappointed that no one came to knock on his door, to ask how he's doing. To ask him one more time. But he was also glad that he didn't have to face his classmates again.

He didn't know what to do anymore. Oh, he didn't even know what he was doing before. He almost felt like he didn't know himself at all.

He sighed, looking around in the empty room, before getting up, and walking downstairs into the common room again.

He wasn't surprised to see his classmates were all still there. He did his best to ignore them. They seemed to be deep in a conversation, because they hadn't even noticed him yet. He really wanted it to stay that way. He almost wanted to listen to what they were saying, but he decided against doing so. He quickly walked past them, still hoping they wouldn't notice him. And for once in his life, he got what he wanted. He was actually a bit surprised that they hadn't noticed him whatsoever. But he was also relieved, obviously.

Still, he almost wanted them to just find out about everything he was trying to hide, because of how hard it was for him to keep himself distanced enough from the others to keep them from finding out, while also being unable to completely stay away from them. it suprised himself, but he hated lying to his.. friends. He wasn't sure if he really considered them friends, but they considered him a friend, so to him, it would feel like betrayal if he didn't return the favor.

Something snapped him out of his thoughts. He wasn't sure what it was exactly, but it didn't really matter.

He caught a glimpse of their conversation.

"So, you're completely sure that we're getting a new student?" One of the girls said, Katsuki couldn't tell who.

"Yea! I heard Aizawa talk about it earlier today!" Katsuki immediately recognized Eijirou's somewhat excited sounding voice.

A new student, huh?

"Do you have proof? Or are we just supposed to believe it?" Denki questioned.

Eijirou rolled his eyes. "I don't have proof because I only heard them talk about it. But we'll see when he's supposed to arrive."

"Honestly, I'm really excited about that!" Ochako said. Katsuki could hear the genuine happiness in her voice.

He didn't really care about the new student. He had no reason to care. Right? He didn't want to waste any energy on something as trivial as that anyway.

"What kind of person do you think he is? This is really exciting!" Mina yelled. Katsuki could imagine her jumping out of joy. A small smile crept unto his face. He hated to admit it, but he did somewhat like these dorks, and he found it endearing how excited they were for that new student. He'd completely forgot why he even came downstairs, getting carried away by listening to their conversation. He knew that he shouldn't be eavesdropping on them, but he couldn't help it. He enjoyed hearing their light-hearted chatter. He almost forgot about his problems. Almost.

"I'm so curious already! I'm sure we'll all become friends with him quickly," Ochako exclaimed. She still sounded so happy. "Do you know when he'll arrive though?"

"No idea, sorry bro," Eijirou said, the smile obvious in his voice.

They all seemed so happy. Katsuki smiled at the thought. He liked when they were happy. He couldn't remember a time when his class was talking with so much positive energy, and harmony. Or at least, he couldn't remember a situation like that when he was around.

He did feel slightly bad about just listening to their conversation like that. He had no reason— He had no right to just do that.

He'd made up his mind soon after. He'd decided to sneak back to his dorm room. They shouldn't notice him, they shouldn't be bothered by him. He shouldn't be a burden on them. Yeah, he really didn't want to ruin the good time they were obviously having, didn't want to ruin the mood.

And surprisingly, he actually made it back to his dorm room without them noticing. He almost felt accomplished for achieveing that. Almost.

He didn't know how to feel.

He'd felt pretty good just a few moments ago, hadn't he? But now, he felt like that was wrong, like he didn't deserve to feel so good. Like he wasn't allowed to feel that way.

He was basically a murderer, wasn't he? So, why should a villain like him be allowed to feel so good?

Why did it even make him feel good?

He so desperately wanted to go Izuku's grave again. He needed to talk to someone. But there was no one. And he couldn't just try to sneak past his classmates again. They weren't dumb, they were heroes in training as well, they'd definitely notice him. They had to. Right?

Katsuki sighed. He felt like everything was crushing him, like it was all too much. Like life was just going too fast, and he couldn't keep up.

He walked over to his bed, ands let himself drop onto it, face down. He let out a groan, muffled by the pillow his head was lying on.