Lightless Sunshine

Chapter 10

tr: self-harm

Chapter 10

I don’t know what to do. What should we do? What should I do? Things after Papa’s death have never been easy for me, for us, for Seth to cope up. Hanggang ngayon ay wala pa ring ideyang pumapasok sa isipan ko sa kung anong gagawin. It’s still so fresh.

After Papa was buried, we went back to our house and almost half of our things were gone after Papa’s relatives took them. They even got mad at us when they asked for the left properties andq we showed nothing. The closest family we had right now is our mama’s sister. She offered us to live with her and her family but we refused. They were poor, I can’t bear to give them another baggage on their shoulders. And because I carry Papa’s surname, Seth and I will be having his left properties. On the last will and testament, it was also said there that his relatives have no rights to meddle with his money.

Huminga ako nang malalim at tiningnan ang credit card sa aking kamay. Papa transferred all of his money to us before he died. That only means he already had a plan to end his life. It hurts.

He also sold some of our properties except the resort. Lahat ng pera ay napunta sa amin ng kapatid ko. But because I am still a minor, hindi ko pa iyon makukuha lahat. I cannot claim his money until I reached the age of legality. But Papa also made sure to at least give us an access to his accounts which is to spend his money with a limited amount. So, ang ibig sabihin ay kailangan naming magtipid magkapatid.

I sighed for the ninth time, thinking of what should I do next. Wala naman akong ibang maisip, eh. Siguro, gagamitin ko ang pera para magkaroon ng maliit na negosyo? Online business, perhaps? Uso na iyon ngayon, eh. At pwede kahit na sino ang mag-resell. The only thing that worries me now is Seth. He was too broken to even eat his food. Kahit ang uminom ng tubig ay ayaw rin niya. Sinubukan ko na siyang kumbinsihin na tumayo at kumain pero ayaw niya talaga.

It hurts me even more to see my younger brother being this vulnerable and fragile, but I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t make him happy. I couldn’t lift his mood. Ako na ‘ata ang pinakawalang kwentang kapatid.

“Seth, please, have at least a glass of water,” I said, begging. I was inside his room, sitting on the edge of it. And him, covering himself with his thick comforter.

“Umalis ka rito!” His voice roared.

I bit my bottom lip. “Seth, sige na naman, oh? Pagod na rin ako, kumain ka na...” malumanay kong sabi at nagbuntong-hininga.

“If you’re tired, then leave! Leave me alone! L-leave! I-I don’t need you!” His voice broke. I felt my heart being squeezed.

“‘W-Wag ka namang ganiyan, bunso. Hindi ‘yan ang ibig kong sabihin... Please, kumain ka muna, okay? Hindi kita iiwan... Please?”

“Umalis ka na rito, Sunny... Hindi kita k-kailangan. Matutulog na a-ako...”

“Pero hindi ka pa kumakain,” I said softly and pulled his blanket gently. “Kumain ka muna kahit ilang subo lang tapos aalis na ako, how’s that?” nakangiting tanong ko at marahang pinunasan ang kaniyang luha.

Finally, he sat up. His eyes were bloodshot and swollen from crying all day. Nagawa ko siyang pakainin ng kanin at painumin ng vitamins niya. He slowly opened up with me and told me what he feels right in the moment. Umiyak siya sa bisig ko hanggang sa makatulog siya sa labis na pagod. Ako naman ay pumasok na rin sa kwarto at naligo muna bago umupo sa kama.

Hindi ko gustong mag-isip nang marami kaya kinuha ko na lang ang cellphone sa bedside table at binuksan ang messages.

Ele:
Take good care of yourself, sweetheart. Everything’s going to be fine. Pahinga ka na, hmm? I love you. Good night. <3