Lightless Sunshine

Chapter 24

Chapter 24

Life is not just about smooth flows like a sea water. Not just as colourful like the rainbow and not just a beautiful sunshine everyday. There were times that the storm will come and ruin everything you tried hard to build. There were a lot of calamities on your way, trying to stop you to achieve what you wanna be.

While walking in the midst of your journey, there were always grudges on your path. A stone that challenges you to do better. A river that will challenge your courage. And a sea of needles that will tease your patience.

And in order to pass it all, all you have to do is to trust yourself in the process. Go on with the flow but don’t let yourself be fooled and attached by the series of problems you are facing. Think wise and be brave.

It was so easy to tell. It was so easy to give an advice. It was so easy to give a motivational message. It was so easy for them to say those things. Because they don’t know what does it really feel when they stand on my shoes. They don’t really know what I feel. They don’t know what I’ve gone through.

It was too easy for them… because they don’t really care. They don’t really care about my feelings.

They thought that by giving me those pieces of advice and motivational quotes would lessen this pain inside me. No, they can’t. They won’t and they could never be.

All my life, I want nothing but a simple living… But the universe seems to disagree with the idea of me getting happy.

But it’s still okay for me. For some aspect, I am also lucky. I have those privileges that poor people don’t have. I am not starving, I am not working my guts out just to have a meal to eat. And most of all, I am not deprived of having luxury. I am still lucky in some aspects because I’m still not totally an orphan. Unlike those kids on the streets, asking for food and seeking shelter.

I am still lucky because I still have a family around me who can provide everything I needed, a family who will provide me shelter when the rain starts to fall, and a family who will let me eat a meal without an exchange. But what hurts me the most is, why can’t I feel them? Why can’t I feel the family? Why can’t I feel their presence?

They gave me almost everything except for one thing: warmth. They just provided me a house but not a home.

Matapos ng argumento sa pagitan ni Travis at Helios ay hindi na iyon nasundan pa. Fortunately, Helios stopped from hurting me. Si Travis naman ay tinawagan ang family nurse upang masuri ako. Isha cried when she learned my situation.

Nawalan ako ng malay ilang segundo pagkatapos makalabas ni Helios sa aking silid. Nang magising ako ay may dextrose na ako sa kamay. Out of exhaustion, my body gave up on me. Buong araw akong tulog at nang magising ako ay pinayuhan ako ng nurse na kumain nang marami.

It took me two weeks to get fully recovered physically. I’ve been staying in my room for the whole duration. I didn’t come with the twin when they told me they’ll take care of me in their unit. I just stayed in the house… scared that if I’ll go out, someone will come and hurt me again…

After a couple of weeks of staying in the house, I noticed the changes in the atmosphere. They became more silent than usual, causing me to think negatively. I knew how disappointed Dad at me. How mad he is. How much he wanted to confront me about who’s the father of my unborn child. Wala akong sinabi. Hindi ako nagsalita. Wala akong maipakilalang tatay ng magiging anak ko.

Days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months. Ilang buwan na akong hindi pumapasok sa iskuwela sa takot na maulit muli ang nangyari no’ng nakaraan. Mabuti na lang at nagpadala ng weekly professor ang school para hindi ako mapag-iwanan sa klase. Alam ko ring kagagawan iyon ni Travis para hindi masayang ang pag-aaral ko. They also sent a psychiatrist to help me. At first, I dislike the idea of it. But because of a couple of insisting from my siblings, pumayag na rin ako. Tinantanan na rin ako ni Isha matapos niya akong mapapayag.