Lightless Sunshine

Chapter 23

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Chapter 23

Kung dati, pakiramdam ko ay basag na basag na ako, ngayon ay iba na. I am not just broken anymore. I feel like bleeding and… dead. I couldn’t feel my own body. I couldn’t feel my own heartbeat. I couldn’t feel any pain but numbness.

Posible palang may mas masakit pa sa nararamdaman ko ngayon. Walang sakit… pero nakamamatay. I don’t know what is this kind of feeling. Nagmamanhid ang buong katawan ko dahil sa sakit at nakaka-frustrate dahil hindi ko alam kung papaano ito patitigilin.

Nagbuntong-hininga ako at napatulala sa kawalan. Ni hindi ko alam kung nasaan ako ngayon. Wala akong pakialam. Wala ako sa aking sarili. Para na akong mababaliw sa mga halu-halong problema. Ni ang pagluha nga ay ayaw nang magparamdam sa ‘kin. Ayaw na nitong tumulo. I’m tired… exhausted.

Ginalaw ko ang swing na inuupuan at humawak sa rehas nito. Tumutunog ang bakal sa tuwing gumagalaw ako. Sobrang tahimik ng buong lugar at ang tangi lamang na maririnig ay ang kaluskos ng mga tuyong dahon sa lupa at ang hanging tila may ibinubulong.

Sobrang payapa ng lugar. I used to admire the silence and being alone… but it’s creeping me out this time. I wish,someone is here for me. I wish, someone will come here to lessen this pain. I wish, someone is here to comfort me… even just once. Even just in a minute… even just for a second…

“Ate…”

I smiled weakly when I heard Seth’s voice. I know I am just hearing it in my head. Imposibleng nandito siya ngayon. Ayaw niya akong makasama. Ayaw niya rin sa akin. He declined my offer to live with me. To stay with me. So, bakit siya nandito ngayon? That’s impossible. Ayaw niya rin sa akin.

“Seth…” I uttered as I looked at him.

He is wearing his usual white hoodie and gray pants. Ang kaniyang noo ay natatabunan ng kaniyang mahaba at itim na buhok. His round eyeglasses around his cold eyes were giving him an intimidating look. He’s tall. 5’8, I guess. He’s only 15 yet he looks more older than that.

“I heard what happened  earlier.” Umupo siya sa katabing swing ko.
 
“Hmm…” Umiwas ako ng tingin at napangisi. Itinukod ko ang mga palad sa magkabilang gilid.

He cleared his throat. “I just want to ask if you are okay.”

Mapakla akong ngumiti at nilingon siya. “That I killed Mr.Ople?” I boldly said. “I’m okay, Seth. Don’t bother yourself, I am fine.”

His jaw clenched. “Hindi ikaw ang may gawa sa bagay na ‘yon.”

I smirked. “Hindi si Mama ang may kasalanan, Seth. It was me. I did kill that bastard. Have you seen the viral photos on the internet? I was on top of a man, holding the knife that was stabbed in his chest. Our mom bathed in her own blood beside him. And I… I was just there, staring at them. Tell me I ain’t a monster, tell me I did not do it. Fool men would only believe me. No one’s gonna believe me…” My voice broke.

“Ate…”

“I am the cause of Mama’s death,” I stated and looked away from his gaze. “It was all my fault why you had to experience getting bullied at school. It was my fault why she died. It’s my fault why our family ended up tragically. Why Papa committed suicide. Guess you know what I’m talking about, right? It’s all my fault… It was all my fault, Seth… I am so sorry for ruining our family. I am so sorry for everything…”

I wiped my tears and looked above the dark gray sky. “I-if I could just turn back the time, I would… I shouldn’t have done what I did before. I wish I wasn’t born. I wish I do not exist. All my life, I brought nothing but misery in everybody’s lives…”