Lightless Sunshine

Chapter 15

Chapter 15

Having someone to lean on was giving me a nostalgic feeling. Iyong pakiramdam na may kasasandalan ka sa tuwing nalulungkot, nag-iisa, at nasasaktan ka. Nakagagaan sa dibdib. Napakasarap sa pakiramdam. Ngunit may bahagi pa rin sa aking puso na nangangamba na baka sakaling masanay na naman ulit ang puso ko sa ganitong pakiramdam at sa huli ay masasaktan din lang ako.

Nakakatakot.

Nakaka-trauma.

Being dependent on someone is the scariest. Ika nga, kung gaano ka kataas lumipad, ganoon din kataas ang kababagsakan mo. And being too happy was no good, dahil sa oras na mawala ito, masasaktan lang ang isang tao. Madudurog at maiiwang luhaan.

Matapos kong umiyak sa kaniyang dibdib, doon ko lang napagtanto ang ginawa ko. I felt embarrassed for hugging him unexpectedly. Nakakahiya dahil sa lahat pa talaga ng tao, siya pa ang pinagbuhusan ko ng mga hinanakit.

Icarus, on the other hand, seemed unbothered. He even pulled me closer to his body. Mas lalo akong nakaramdam ng hiya. Dahan-dahan akong lumayo sa kaniya at napagakat ng ibabang labi.

“I-I’m sorry…” I shyly said and lowered my head. Pinagsiklop ko ang mga palad sa likuran at pinisil ang aking sarili.

He took a deep breath and held my chin through his forefinger. He tilted my head up and made me look at his hazel brown eyes. I avoided his orbs.

“Look at me,” he commanded. His voice sounded so authoritative and very reassuring. Napaangat ako ng tingin sa kaniya habang kagat-kagat ang ibabang labi.

I watched how his eyes softened. He trailed his fingers on my face, tracing my tears before gently wiping it off. Napapikit ako dahil sa masuyo niyang paghawak sa akin.

“Sunshine,” he whispered my name. His voice alone is enough to make my insides melt, at the same time, feel reassured. “Stop biting your lip. You are hurting yourself…” He caressed my lips through his thumb, so gentle, as if he were scared he might break me if he would put strength to it.

Napamulat ako at nakatingalang sinalubong ang kaniyang mga matang puno ng pag-aalala. Pinakawalan ko ang labi at doon ko lang napagtanto na dumudugo na ito. I could taste the blood dripping out from there.

Nakahinga siya nang maluwag. He pulled out a handkerchief from his pocket. Dinampi niya ito sa aking labi na nagdudugo. Nakatitig lang ako sa kaniya habang siya naman ay seryoso sa ginagawa.

Matapos niyon ay hinawakan niya ang palapulsuhan ko, saka marahang hinatak. Nagpatianod naman ako. We entered the small coffee shop inside the campus. Magkatabi kaming naupo. He ordered a milktea for me and a coffee for him. Tahimik lamang ako at halos hindi makatingin sa kaniya.

“Hey…” he called as he handed the milktea he bought for me. Tinanggap ko iyon. May tig-iisang slice din kami ng cake at isang strawberry-flavored donut, isang jar ng ice-cream, at salad. At may pahabol pa, may pasta at mango float. Is he kidding me? Akala ko ay doon na matatapos ang mga pinamili niya ngunit nagulat ako nang napuno ang table namin.

Tulala lamang ako habang tinitingnan iyon isa-isa. What the hell? Ang dami naman ‘ata ng mga in-order niya? Mauubos kaya namin ito? Ano bang pumasok sa isipan niya?

“Psychology says, eating sweet can make somebody’s mood lighter. So must try it,” he said and smiled at me cheekily. Mas lalo akong natulala.

“B-But… these are too m-much…” I murmured.

“It’s okay, you’re not obliged to finish them all. We’ll be sharing these.” He shrugged off his shoulders. “Shall we?” anyaya niya. Nakangangang tumango-tango ako.