Lightless Sunshine

Chapter 27

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Chapter 27

It’s been years…

I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where am I going to start. It feels like yesterday when everything happened. The images of the past were still sharp in my memory. Those happy moments I had with my high school friends lingered in my head, making me miss them. Those moments of my teenage years feel like they just happened a while ago. Time flies so fast, some images were kind of blurry to me. Ang tanging hindi ko lang nakalilimutan ay ang mga araw ng kabataan ko.

A sly, bitter smile formed on my lips when I realized I was reminiscing again. It was such a beautiful memory yet it ended up turning into a horrible nightmare of my life. But still, I couldn’t help but miss those things.

Instantly, longing crawled from my foot, up to my heart.

Mama.

What if buhay ang baby ko? What if she was saved? What if I took good care of her much more? What if I haven’t been so careless? What if I am not an irresponsible mother?

Would she still be alive? Will she be here? Will she hug me and kiss me, too? 

The shining yellow-ish light from the above used to be my most favorite thing in the whole universe. Its serenity, its calming dapple, and its brightness provide me a lot of comfort and peacefulness.

But I eventually stopped loving it. Before. The peace wasn’t the same as the sunlight I used to love and dote with. It was more likely torture for me. How can the sun shines so bright to lift everyone’s day when it’s being unfair to me because I couldn’t even feel it?

Life is really so unfair. Even the earth itself isn’t equal. It must be cylindrical or a circle.

“Hi, madame!” A cute little girl stopped in front of me, sweating and panting, reminding me of how my childhood days went by. She has this black american features and a little slang accent in her voice.

I blinked my eyes, shaking the thoughts of my past and the sorrow I already buried six feet below the ground. I smiled at the little girl. 

“Yes, li’l madame?” I asked softly, faltered if I would lift my hand to rake my fingers on her messy hair or not. In the end, I chose the latter. She might get harmed if I touch her.

“Would you like to play with me?” She enthusiastically clasped her hands together as she batted her long and curly eyes lashes.

Bahagya akong natigilan. I swallowed the nervousness building from the tip of my finger up to my throat as I looked at the angelic and hopeful stares dancing in the black American girl’s eyes.

No.

At the end, I shook my head lightly while pinching my fingers. “I… I’m sorry, honey,” I said and watched how her shoulder tugged down as her head hung low.

My eyes softened as she turned around and slowly walked back where she came from. 

I’m sorry… I just can’t take the risks. 

I bit my lower lip and was about to pinch myself again when someone pushed me from the bench where I was sitting. “Bulaga!” 

I gasped when I almost fell to my knees on the ground. My mouth literally dropped down as my eyes grew bigger in shock. My heart nearly dodges out from its ribcage. My stomach went cold and my body hair straightened. 

“PUTANG INAAAAAAA!” I screamed my lungs out and the next thing I heard was his loud, hearty chuckles. 

I stood up abruptly. Galit akong lumingon sa nagtulak sa akin at sinamaan ito ng tingin. But I eventually stopped when his familiar face blocked my view.