Colin Firth - will he save me?

Colin's POV

I lost everything. Everything that means something to me. I could have had everything, everything I've always dreamed of. Luck was within my grasp and yet I managed to gamble everything away. Not only have I lost the love of my life, but the love of my son as well. The son who is so similar to me, who is so close to me. I love all of my sons equally, but Matteo has always been special to me. Maybe because he's the youngest, maybe because he looks just like me, maybe because he's just as shy as me, because, like me, he can't talk about his feelings, because I notice that he too has a special bond with me, he looks up to me, I am his role model. No - I was his role model. I betrayed his trust, I lied to him to protect him. In the end I didn't succeed. I've probably made the biggest mistake of my life. I thought I would do everything right, make the right choice, for myself, for my family. But in the end, I'm alone now. The love of my life hates me and my son doesn't look at me.

I loved Livia more than anything. I thought she was the right one for me, only to find out at some point that we have moved apart, that our hearts are no longer in sync. Our goals are no longer the same. We have evolved. Livia fell in love with another man back then. I can't even blame her. Maybe that would have happened to me at that time too. I remember being devastated, not knowing in and out. I wasn't sure I wanted to fight for our relationship after their betrayal. Ultimately, it was habit that kept us together. We reamained friends. Until I met HER.

I remember very well, standing on the red carpet, when this charming creature tried to scurry past me. I knew I had to seize the moment and somehow lure her to my side. It was amazing to have her so close to me in the end. I still remember her smell very well, when I held her in my arms I couldn't help it, I had to gently stroke her back. Fortunately, no one noticed what was going on with me. I never told her that I always had a weakness for her, that I always wanted to shoot with her, that I had begged my agent to try to get in touch with her somehow. I thought it was because she is such a great actress, I had no idea that she would attract me so physically as well. When her husband tragically died so suddenly, I suffered in secret with her. Without knowing her, without ever having exchanged a word with her, I just knew I would do anything to protect her.

That evening at the BAFTA's, I quickly realized that I would do everything I can to get hold of her somehow. And if she'd let me down too, I just wanted to try her. I was surprised that she reacted to my unskillful attempts to flirt. I would never have expected a woman like her to show any interest in me. I knew all the rumors that were said about her. Countless fellow actors have gripped their teeth on her, she has not let anyone near her. I will never forget our first night together, I tried to enjoy every second, to soak up her scent, to explore every inch of her body. Because I already knew then that it simply mustn't be, can't be. I just couldn't fall in love with her. But when she fell asleep in my arms that night, I knew it was too late. She had already captured my heart, I didn't know what to do, the only way out I could think of was to break her heart. But what I would never have thought was that she too could break my heart. And she did that, in a thousand little pieces.

Livia and I really had a good relationship after we split up until a new woman came into my life. I always knew instinctively that it would happen that way. Livia was the one who was always insanely jealous - even now, although she no longer loves me, she does not tolerate any other woman next to me. When she realized how serious I was about this relationship, she threatened me with the worst that could happen to a father. She wanted to withdraw my custody of Matteo and take him to Italy with her. I don't know what to do without my little one, so I got down on my knees and got weak. I returned to Livia. I lied ice cold in the face of the woman I love, I told Matteo that I did everything to win his mother back. I didn't have the courage to tell him the truth because I didn't want his relationship with his mother to suffer any more. He has lost all respect for me. He yelled at me, he begged me not to leave my luck, he cried and screamed in my arms because he didn't want to admit that I was so weak. It breaks my heart to see him like that.

I was looking for ways to finally break up with Livia. But then I saw HER with HIM. How familiar they were with each other. For years there have been rumors about the two that they are secretly a couple. She never really mentioned him to me, just kept saying he was Matilda's godfather and she was good friends. But I saw the way he looks at her. I know from Matteo that he moved in with them. Matteo is there almost every day, sleeps more with them than with us. The thought that she is now in Gery's arms and Matteo is with them almost kills me. I know I promised Livia that I would work on our relationship. But I can't, my thoughts are with her, not with Livia, I want to be with her, not with Livia. I never told her how I felt about her because it would have made everything so much harder. I love her more than she can imagine and I was unable to tell her. The woman who means everything in this world to me now hates me and I can't even blame her.