Colin Firth - will he save me?

Enough is enough - Colin's POV

Once again we had one of those unnecessary arguments. I am annoyed with myself for not taking a clearer position. But the fact that she keeps telling me about Livia is slowly bothering me. Nothing is going on between me and Livia, but we had a very nice past and I don't see why I should pretend that it never happened. I can of course somehow understand that this is not easy for her, especially since her own husband is dead, but why does she still doubt my feelings? I think I've told her enough times by now that I love her, that I want to be with her, I asked her if she wanted to marry me. Isn't that enough proof of love? Or maybe it wasn't the proposal she wanted. I know that I want to spend my life with her. I accepted that it would be better if we lived separately, but I have always been convinced that we both belong together and will find each other again. And then she starts again with Livia. What should I have said? It is clear to me that Livia sleeps in our house where she has spent so many years. I'm not going to put the mother of my sons in a hotel, after all, we have enough space at home.

I say goodbye to David and leave the house angry. At some point it's enough for me too. I decide to walk for a while to clear my head. She's a tomboy. You'd think I could handle jealous women, after all, I was married to an Italian, but this is another number. We hardly argue, and when we do, we argue violently that one of us ends up crying or not exchanging a word with the other or I even have to move out. At the end of the day, we've always gotten back together, and the make-up sex has been fantastic every time. This woman triggers things in me and forces me to do things that I never thought I would enjoy at all. I hang on to my thoughts when I make a decision: I will make her a real proposal to which she simply cannot say no. I got the ring a long time ago, Matilda chose it with me some time ago. I decide to go home quickly, take a shower, dress up and then drive back to her. I want to make it finally clear that I love her and that she belongs to me and that I won't leave until she says "yes".

I stand in front of my closet with a towel around my waist. God, I'm not so unsure about my choice of clothes. Ultimately, I choose a white shirt and a dark blue suit. Classic, she should see how serious I am. At the same time I also know that she can't resist me when I'm wearing a suit, I have to grin, I know that we will have fabulous and uninhibited sex with each other tonight. On the way to her I get long-stemmed red roses, I prepare the words I want to say to her. The beginning will be the most difficult, maybe I should just get on my knees and we'll sort everything else out after she says "yes". God - I hope she says "yes" at all. A "no" would make my world collapse.

Just as I come around the corner and walk towards her house, I see the light is on in the entrance area. Maybe she ordered some food - darling, that will definitely have to wait. But it is not the pizza delivery company I had hoped for. It's him: Gery. He's standing right in front of her, his hair sticking out from his head in a mess. Just like mine every time we had sex. Her cheeks are slightly red, just like when we had sex. I hear bits and pieces of words: "The best that could have happened to us" "It was a wonderful evening." I don't need to hear anymore, when she kisses him on the mouth I know what happened between the two of them. Even if she always denied that something was going on between them, I always had the feeling that there was more between them. And now I have proof that the two of them had sex.

Fortunately, they didn't notice me. I turn around silently, even when I'm boiling inside. I would love to beat him up. But I don't want them to see me like that. You would know immediately what I have planned. I'm such an idiot. With every step I notice the small case in which the engagement ring is. I think about how excited Matilda was that I wanted to marry her mum. She always longed for a real family. Well, she should obviously get that now. When I get home, I carelessly put the engagement ring in a drawer in the anteroom. I disposed of the flowers on the way. The light is on in the kitchen. An opened wine bottle is in the wine cooler. "Ciao Colin, I thought I'd take a quick shower while waiting for you." 

Livia! I had completely forgotten that she wanted to arrive today.

My ex-wife is buzzing around the living area with nothing but a towel wrapped around her body. In her typical Italian way, she explains to me with hands and feet what has happened in the last few weeks. I don't think she even notice how I feel. I'm so madly angry and I can't tell why exactly. Right now I hate myself for being British. If I were Italian, I would probably freak out and cut everything short and sweet. The images that I saw an hour ago are buzzing through my head. Her with him, hugging her tightly, laughing, kissing. My imagination makes up a lot about how they rolled around naked in bed minutes before, had sex with each other. Livia is still talking, I look at her in silence, I keep getting angrier. I walk up to her, take her face between my hands and tell her to be quiet. She looks at me with big eyes. With a jerk I tear the towel from her body, I lift her onto the kitchen counter, open the zipper of my pants and penetrate her. Before I can really think about what I'm doing, she has already wrapped her legs around me. The sex is not nice. It's just tough and demanding. I don't care what Livia feels, whether she's having fun, my thoughts aren't with her anyway. I just think about HER. Again and again I see her face in front of me, how she lolls with relish in front of me. But my face blurs with Gery's. I'm furious and push harder and harder. I have to be careful not to scream her name out loud, I finally get to orgasm. An orgasm that doesn't satisfy me in any way, doesn't make me happy. Sex is so much better when you really love the woman. I still love her, I wish she was Livia. I wish she were with me now, crying I collapse on Livia's shoulder: "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to do that." Livia holds me tight, caresses my head. She knows very well that my thoughts weren't with her. In all our years of marriage, we have never had sex this hard. "It's okay Colin, everything will be fine." She whispers in my ear. But I know for sure that it is not. Nothing will ever be fine again.