Colin Firth - will he save me?

Friends with benefits

My hands start to tremble, I can no longer hold the salad bowl. "Colin, I remember." I see him walking towards me with great strides, trying to catch the salad bowl that is falling out of my hands. But he's too late. I can't breathe, it's like choking on all the emotions. I sink to the ground. Colin hugs me tightly "take it easy, try to breathe, you have a panic attack dear." It's all too much, the memories of Paul's death come back, I also remember the pain when Colin left me - for her, for Livia. Colin continues to hold me tightly, won't let go of me, gently strokes my back and cradles me in his arms.

I suck in his scent, I feel Colin's body heat, I let him help me up, he pulls up a chair on which I let myself fall, trembling. I don't dare look at him. "Can I leave you alone? I just put everything away quickly and take the meat off the grill, we can eat later?" I nod imperceptibly to him. After a while he comes back, I can literally feel his sadness, he picks me up and carries me into the house and lies down on the couch with me. He puts me gently in his arms. I snuggle up to him. "Are you feeling better?" he asks me after a while. "What about you and Livia? Do you still see each other?" The thought that he might cheat on me is cruel. The feelings for him that I have just rediscovered mix with the deep feelings I felt for him before I lost my memory. I'm scared of what he's going to say now. I wouldn't want to lose him for anything in the world, but neither would I want to share him with anyone for anything in the world. I notice his hesitation. "Colin? Why don't you answer? Are you sleeping with her?"-"Livia and me will always have something special in common, she is the mother of my children, I loved her very much. You know that we have always been friends, I will always stay in contact with her. I know that this is not common these days and everyone expects us to hate each other, but it's not like that, part of me will always love her. " "COLIN - DID YOU SLEEP WITH HER?" "No, damn it, is that important?" "Whether that is important? You seriously ask me whether that is important? You want me to be your wife and at the same time you tell me how natural it is that you are still in contact and still see each other? I thought we were your family now? " "You are too, but so is Livia."

I knew it, suspected it, tried to suppress it, but somehow I always knew that I would never be the only woman in his life. Part of him still belongs to her. On the one hand, I can understand that, they had more than 20 years together, most of which were certainly beautiful, and raised two wonderful sons. But what about me? Can I take it? "Colin, I don't think I can, I love you, I want to be with you, but the thought that she still plays such a big role in your life - I just can't stand it!" "But you will always be my first choice!" "But I don't want to be your first choice - I want to be your only choice!" "So that's it then?" "Who knows if it would have really worked out with us - the two of us just can't deal with each other normally. There is always some drama going on and we only reconcile by having sex. Is that the basis for a relationship?!" "I don't want to lose you though." I take Colin's face in my hands, smile at him. "It's probably just not meant to be with us." My voice breaks, I don't know if I really mean what I'm saying, but I know that I can't have a relationship with him like that. The fear of her omnipresent presence is too great. I don't know myself why I can't just trust him. Maybe because up until now he has given up too easily and went to her. We hold each other tightly. I wish I could somehow win the fight against his ex-wife, but I know I can't. She is so many years ahead of me together with him. It's time to let him go.

At some point we manage to talk like normal adults. We discuss whether Colin should move back into the guest room, but both decide that it is better if he moves out completely so as not to make it even harder for both of us. We agree that he can visit David at any time, if David sleeps through the night he should also be able to stay with him. We are not planning for the long term yet but want to let everything come to us. Moving out is painful, we hug each other goodbye and I just can't let go of him, I would like to undo everything and ask him to stay. But I know we're better off trying to be friends. Our love overwhelms us and does us no good.